For The Love Of Something

A ten hour drive through the mountains (my ears popping all the way) and a ten hour drive back (listening to my brother gloat about the Broncos win) just to watch my Bengals lose in the most unimaginable way ever! I must say, despite our loss, I had a blast!

I did manage to call out a couple of ho's at the game and I feel like sharing it with you:

One chick had on booty shorts and was making a point to show her ass (both literally and figuratively). I was fine until she bent over and my brother pointed out the tampon string hanging from her you know (yes, eww). I asked her how it felt to be more of an ass than she was showing and that she might want to go hide her string. She returned nothing but silence and the dumbest look ever.

The second (drunk) chick was hanging all over some dude who obviously didn't like the attention. I shouted over to him that drunk chicks are like stray cats -- you can never get rid of them. She backed off the dude (who looked instantly relieved), gave me a mean look, and mouthed "fuck you." I simply mouthed back "you are welcome."

The last ho happened to sit a few seats in front of me. This bitch would not shut up. During half the game, she was talking about everything except football. When she (not joking) began discussing her cleavage, I finally passed the rest of my popcorn to her and told her to stuff her damn mouth with it. She refused my offer, but thankfully shut the hell up!

So, although we may have lost, hopefully I have rid the world of a few ignorant bitches. Probably not, but the thought tickles my insides. As for the Bengals -- we'll get 'em next time!

How To Roast A Female Dog

WWSD? Suzie would have handled the situation with grace and poise.

Me? Not a chance.

I don't mind people talking about me, I really don't. It's all just part of life. What I do have a problem with is if you talk about me, at least know what the hell you are talking about.

Apparently word has gotten around the neighborhood that Dick has been gone for a week and apparently the boob brigade (also known as the other mothers) have been quick to start the gossip fest. My daughter came home from school asking if Daddy had left to be with another woman. After a few questions, I discovered that little Johnny No-Teeth had told her this at lunch.

I knew I should have let my blood cool down a bit, but I was pissed. I don't care what you say to me, but do not screw with my kids!

Needless to say, I marched my ass right on over to the home of Mrs. No-Teeth and asked her what the hell was going on. After five minutes of fumbling for something to say, all she could muster was "He must have heard us talking." I was livid at this point. I had just realized that I left my damn roast in the oven and it would probably be dry by the time I ripped this bitch a new one and returned home.

I politely informed her that yes, Dick has been gone for a week. I also told her that I do not mind her and her friends chit-chatting about the situation, but if they were going to talk about it, they should at least have the facts straight. I told her Dick did not leave because he found someone else, but that he left because I have a problem. It seems I have developed an addiction to all the men in the neighborhood and that her husband was next. Without giving her a chance to whine, I marched my booty right back home (and yes, my damn roast was dry).

I'm sure she got on the phone shortly thereafter, but as long as they are getting their shit straight, they will be fine.

Witch Woman?

WWSD? Suzie would exchange pie recipes and set up play dates for the kids.

I absolutely hate going to my children's school. I’d rather be run over by a dump truck carrying senior citizen's disposed diapers. The women there are downright despicable! All they do is give you looks like you're plagued with shingles and talk behind your back in a voice that is just audible enough that you can hear what they are actually saying about you.

I used to think they were some kind of workers of the devil, but have come to realize that they are filled with envy and resentment. You see, these women are all pushing or have crossed forty. I am only thirty and still have my youthful charm. When I walk pass, all their husbands ooh and ahh, but how the hell is that my fault? I can't help that I was born beautiful and I can't help their husband's lust issues.

I've finally realized the best way to handle these women is by actually handling their men (not like that you perve). Just something as simple as telling him "It was nice seeing you last week." The man is too busy eyeing my boobage to realize he never saw me last week, but the woman – she is now wondering why her husband didn't tell her that he saw me last week and what he's trying to hide.

A simple, yet effective way to bitch-slap these women back to last week.