How To Get Rid Of A Dick

I hate when guys cannot take no for an answer. I especially despise those men who are persistent in rejecting your "no" and continue to try and lure you in with hideous pick up lines and see-through compliments. I have found a way to not only shoot them down for good, but to have fun while you're doing it. So ladies, here are five ways to rid yourself of that persistent douchebag:

1. If the asshole insists on carrying on a conversation with you, join in. Use words such as puny, small, itsy-bitsy, tiny, little, and so on as much as you possible can. Each time you say one of the words, look directly at his crotch in a way he'll be sure to notice. He should get the hint and move on.

2. If the man has bought you a drink and has turned out to be an ass and refuses to leave, start the psycho bitch routine. Talk about how you stalked your ex and attempted to poison him with antifreeze. Throw in a few tears for good measure. If he still isn't leaving, remind him that you are still hurt and the next man to hurt you will suffer your pain tenfold. He won't take a chance with your crazy ass and will depart immediately.

3. Before you go out, be prepared for the guy who continues to hound you for your number. Grab your local phone book and find the number for the (also local) jail or penitentiary. Jot it down and slip it in your purse. If you run into the persistent number guy, give it to him and then laugh thinking of his reaction when he calls it.

4. You're at the club and some guy won't leave you alone. He continues to ask you to dance, so go for it. When you two are out on the floor, start dancing in a way that you have to bring your knees up. Wait for the perfect timing and then knee him in his crotch for all you're worth. Excuse your clumsiness and go back to your drink -- he won't bother you again.

5. If all this fails, you are dealing with a serious dick. At this point, you may have to pull out all the stops. Simply look him dead in his face and with the most serious look you can give, inform him that you have herpes. Tell him you were raped by your stepfather at the age of eleven and have had them ever since. If this doesn't get him to back the fuck up -- stab him with your fork because he deserved it.

I have tried all the above and they work wonders. Feel free to print this page and carry it with you the next time you go out. This has been my public service for the day...

Assed Out

WWSD? Suzie would have simply grabbed some newspaper, rolled it up, and squished the little bastard like nothing happened.

Me? I freak the hell out and almost kill myself in the process (see, I wasn't joking).

I hate spiders almost as much as I hate Dick. Seriously. I was trapped in my living room once for over an hour because one decided to hang in the doorway, taunting me with his ability to move up and down so effortlessly. I knew if I got anywhere near him, he'd pounce on me quicker than some of the horny, old (and rather limber) men at my local supermarket. So I sat there, for over an hour until my son came in from outdoors to squish him for me (yes, I get my son to kill bugs -- sue me).

The other night was no different. I had went upstairs to check on my sleeping kids before turning in myself. As all was well, I go to head back down the stairs. I clear the first two steps when something catches my eye. It's a damn spider! Without thinking, I tried to get out of the way and lost my balance. I fell the next eleven steps and landed flat on my ass!

Luckily, all I suffered was a nasty abrasion to my arm (as seen in the picture). The worst part about the whole damn scene was that after closer inspection, it wasn't a spider at all -- it was a common housefly. I almost killed myself over a fly!

So the moral of the story is this: If you don't pay attention to the details, you'll find yourself flat on your ass every time.

Now go ahead, laugh at my expense. I have some really nice things planned if you do.

[Edited to add: It turned out fuzzy, but my son took that pic and actually taped his Spiderman logo to my shirt. He is now on my list too.]