Sleepwalking Suzie

Me? I have been sleepwalking like hell! Every night, I find myself in a different room throughout the house – attempting to perform household duties. Just last night, I awoke and found myself in the laundry room folding clothes. The night before, I awoke and realized I was trying to dust the furniture. I think I may be going crazy.

The sad thing is, I seem to be doing whatever it is I fall asleep thinking about. This scares the shit out of me. What if I fall asleep thinking about forking Dick to death? Will I awake rummaging through my silverware drawer or worse, wake up with a bloody fork in hand?

I have thought about tying myself to the bed before falling asleep, but that just doesn’t sit well with me so I’ve decided to use my current predicament to my advantage. Each night before falling asleep, I will think about a chore that I hate doing and have put off – like cleaning blinds and shoveling dog shit from the back yard. This way, my most despised chores will be done and I won’t even remember doing them.

Too bad there isn’t a way to pass this gift onto others. My neighbors need to clean the trash out their yard, Dick needs to take our trash to the dump and change the oil in my car, and I know a few people who could benefit from sleepwalking workouts. But alas, no such luck. So I guess I’ll continue to sleepwalk my way to the cleanest house on the block while hoping and praying I don’t fall asleep thinking I need to polish those forks.

Boys Will Be Boys

WWSD? Suzie would know exactly how to handle this situation.

I love that I'm the cool mom. I love that all my kid's friends want to come to our house to play. It's easier to keep my eyes on who they are hanging out with and what they are doing. Having a house full of kids has never bothered me, until now.

One of my son's friends seems to have developed a crush on me. He continues to bring me hand-drawn cards and flowers he has picked from his yard. He has stopped playing with the other kids and just wants to sit and talk to me. It all makes me feel uncomfortable and I have no idea what to do about it as I do not want to hurt his feelings in any way.

I've thought about trying to set him up with one of the neighborhood girls, but if it didn't work out -- I'm scared he'd torch my house. I've thought about being blunt with him, but I see that going just as bad. Perhaps I should just ignore him -- I'm sure his feelings may be hurt, but that seems like my only safe bet.

On the other side, I could use this to my advantage. I could get him to mow my lawn as we know that didn't go over so well with me last time. I could use some help weeding the garden and the flower beds. The fence could stand a few nails here and there and my car could stand a good washing as well. Hmm. This could actually prove to be rather useful. I wonder if he'll accept cupcakes as payment?

Suzie Doesn't Want To

WWSD? Suzie wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

Something extremely terrifying happened to me yesterday. Something so unimaginable that it scares me almost as bad as spiders. Just the mere thought of it has my skin crawling and my breakfast trying to work its way back up. I realized that I don't want to stay single forever. I realized that even though Dick did a number, I still had love to give. But to do that, I will eventually have to date again. Date again? Ugh!

Dating sucks donkey balls! I've never been a fan of the butterflies in you stomach as it just makes me want to puke. I hate the whole putting on that people do -- saying things they don't really mean and only doing so because they think it's what you want to hear. The half-ass compliments that are only uttered in an ill attempt to woo you. The whole to kiss or not to kiss? To sex or not to sex? And of course, the weeding out of the guys who are obviously just trying to get in your pants.

Oh god. What will I wear? Do these jeans make my ass look even bigger? Why is he late? Why didn't he call? When will he call? I wonder if I just offended him? What is that smell? I wonder if he likes me? Is he telling the truth? Why does he keep twitching like that? Was it something I said?

I am not looking forward to having to go through all that again. I'd rather stick my head in the toilet and allow my children to plunge away. Seriously. Year number two from my five year plan is looking more and more appealing after all.

Are They For Reel?

WWSD? Suzie doesn't have time for movies when there are so many more important things to be doing.

I need to quit watching the Lifetime channel. It is seriously depressing me.

I am beginning to despise movies, especially romantic comedies. They never depict truthful relationships. They spoon feed me this vision of romance that leaves me wanting to hurl yesterday's dinner. Sure, most of them have some sort of tragedy happening at some point or another, but they always end the same way -- the boys gets the girl. Barf!

What I wouldn't give to go to the cinema and see a real romance story. One in which the woman has children and actually ages. A movie in which the love scene is interrupted by children, dogs, a cat, or hell, even a pot bellied pig. I want to see a movie that doesn't put band-aids on the truth about relationships. I want to see the band-aid ripped off and the wound laying open for all to see. Romance isn't perfect, so why the hell are the movies?

I blame these movies for the unhappiness of women today. They've been fed this bullshit for so long that they actually think this is what love is like. They don't understand when times get tough because it didn't happen that way in the movies. They expect their men to behave like well trained monkeys and actually get pissy when they act human. Give me a break!

Real relationships don't come with directors yelling Cut! They don't take breaks to powder their noses. They don't read from scripts and do not have lines to memorize. Reality doesn't need its own trailer and personal assistant. It just doesn't work that way.

With all this said, I am banning myself from all the girly channels until further notice. If you need me, I'll be the chick drooling over the ESPN guys.

Suzie's Five Year Plan

WWSD? Suzie would have had this shit planned out long ago.

After the recent events (my Dick of a husband leaving), I figured it was about time I put a plan together. I need some direction and purpose in my life. I decided to keep it simple and start with a five year plan. This is what I've come up with so far:

Year #1: I will sell the house I live in currently and use that money to buy myself and the kids a new home. I need to find a full-time job and get my shit together. This year will be spent picking up the pieces and figuring out what the hell I want out of life.

Year #2: Hopefully by now, I know what I want. I'm sure that I'll never trust men again, but that's besides the point. I'll probably spend this year fucking up the minds of any man bold enough to try me. I'll send them all back crying to their mommies. I'll probably start a blog and title it Maneater. I'll bitch and complain about how all men suck. Moving on...

Year #3: I've gotten over my hatred of men, but unfortunately, they are all scared shitless now. I'll spend this year attempting online dating sites trying to find a companion. Nothing will work and no man will want to even touch me with a ten foot pole. In the end, I'll find myself settling for a new puppy.

Year #4: I finally meet someone. I look past the fact that he has no legs, is blind in one eye, and has to talk through his throat. He is charming and I really think he loves me. This could be the beginning for me.

Year #5: I find out my new love has fallen for the lady next door -- an elderly woman with thirty cats. He apparently had a thing for pussies and I wasn't quite enough. So the cycle begins again.

So much for the five year plan. I think I'll just take it day by day. Who really plans that far ahead anyway? Shit can happen. I may win the lottery. I may end up in jail for forking my husband to death. One never knows and quite frankly, I'm tired of guessing.