After the recent events (my Dick of a husband leaving), I figured it was about time I put a plan together. I need some direction and purpose in my life. I decided to keep it simple and start with a five year plan. This is what I've come up with so far:Year #1: I will sell the house I live in currently and use that money to buy myself and the kids a new home. I need to find a full-time job and get my shit together. This year will be spent picking up the pieces and figuring out what the hell I want out of life.
Year #2: Hopefully by now, I know what I want. I'm sure that I'll never trust men again, but that's besides the point. I'll probably spend this year fucking up the minds of any man bold enough to try me. I'll send them all back crying to their mommies. I'll probably start a blog and title it Maneater. I'll bitch and complain about how all men suck. Moving on...
Year #3: I've gotten over my hatred of men, but unfortunately, they are all scared shitless now. I'll spend this year attempting online dating sites trying to find a companion. Nothing will work and no man will want to even touch me with a ten foot pole. In the end, I'll find myself settling for a new puppy.
Year #4: I finally meet someone. I look past the fact that he has no legs, is blind in one eye, and has to talk through his throat. He is charming and I really think he loves me. This could be the beginning for me.
Year #5: I find out my new love has fallen for the lady next door -- an elderly woman with thirty cats. He apparently had a thing for pussies and I wasn't quite enough. So the cycle begins again.
So much for the five year plan. I think I'll just take it day by day. Who really plans that far ahead anyway? Shit can happen. I may win the lottery. I may end up in jail for forking my husband to death. One never knows and quite frankly, I'm tired of guessing.
11 comments:
Suzie in all three posts on this page you talk about using a fork as a weapon. Now I sure don't want to tell you that's bad, but there are many other kitchen utensils that can be used. Why limit one's self to just a fork? Think of what you can do with a soup laddle or a nice cheese grater.
Sorry, I know I'm an idiot, but I do like reading your blog.
@FreakSmack: Don't feel bad -- I noticed that too. I think it has something to do with the fact I haven't done the dishes recently and all I have left clean are forks. See, I'm at least thoughtful enough to use a clean utensil. :)
And if you like reading my blog, there is NO way you are an idiot.
Year 1 sounds solid. Year 2 sounds thoroughly entertaining. Year 3, year 2 must have been REALLY fun. Year 4, are you sure he's not deaf? Year 5, Just chain his wheelchair to the porch. At least you can look forward to another year 2, and I'm sure the resurgence of Maneater 2:The awakening, will be quite the event.
@derek: How about I just say fuck it and live in year #2 forever? The rest just seems like too much work for the inevitable.
That's my life moto. I mean we're all going to die some time.
"Hey derek want to go jump off the bridge?"
"Fuck it." and then I do it
@derek: Haha! Point taken.
Dear Miss Suzie,
please dont be so hard on yourself.
@Irtiza: I'm not. I'm picking on myself. Kind of a "kick in the ass" to get me motivated.
@MS, lol
I just found your blog through blog catalog. It's hilarious! This is probably my favorite post so far. Years 3 & 4 sound interesting...year 5 sounds lame. Make it a 4 year plan. : O )
@Marty: Year five is pretty lame. I'm thinking of staying in year two as it seems the most amusing. :)
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