Where's The Woody?

I almost feel guilty about this week's Golden Cock Award (almost). If you've been watching the news or Sports Center, you've heard all about the Tiger Woods debacle. How, at first, he shrugged it off as if nothing serious had happened and now, he is apologizing for his "transgressions and sins."

What an ass! He can't even admit what he did? Well, let me tell you:

*This motherfucker got him a piece of ass and got caught. His wife then beat his ass, smashed his vehicles windows, and told him to get the fuck out. Now, he's worried about his image and endorsements and doesn't want to come out and say, "Yes, I couldn't keep my wood in my pants" so he's giving half-assed apologies and no explanation. (Yes, he has the right to keep his personal matters private, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it).

So five golden cocks for Mr. Woody...I mean Woods. Not only for cheating on your wife, but for being the biggest pussy on planet Earth for not admitting your faults. No one is perfect, but you Woods, you are worse than the dogshit I stepped in this morning (and this whole situation reeks just as bad). So take these cocks, hang them on your wall, and remember: The whole world is watching.

*This is purely speculation on my part, so don't sue me. I have no money anyway.

Miss Miley Satan Cyrus

What in the hell is this world coming to? How in the hell does my local channel interrupt my favorite show to inform me that Miley Cyrus’ tour bus had crashed? Sometimes I wonder if little Miss Cyrus is the antichrist. Seriously – think about it.

All her fans looked as if they were about to hang themselves with their Miley bed sheets until the news informed them that she was not even on the bus that crashed. They all let out a sigh of relief and threw out quotes like I don’t know what I’d do if something had happened to her and life would cease to exist without Hannah Montana.

For fuck’s sake – get a life!

Think about every time you walk into ANY store – you see her picture on everything. I cannot get through one whole aisle without having to utter an Oh god at the sight of the little brat. It won’t be long until you see this bitch’s mug on sanitary napkins and tampons with the slogan “Periods become smiley with Miley.”

This week’s golden cock award goes to Miley’s dad. I’m sure he has something to do with subjecting us all to her paraphernalia. Plus, every time I see him in an interview, I want to smack him back to next week – such an ignorant and arrogant fucker. So Mr. Cyrus, I award you four golden cocks and suggest you bitch slap yourself and your own daughter!

Be There In Thirty

As most of you are aware, my house is on the market. I had been keeping it spotless in case someone called ready to see it. It's been close to two weeks and no calls so I haven't been as worried about cleaning (it's been clean, just not spotless). I got a call from the Realtor this morning saying he wanted to show the house. I asked when and he replied in thirty minutes.

What the hell?

I hadn't showered yet, done my hair, straightened up from a card game the night before -- nothing! And now I only had thirty minutes to get it all done so a potential buyer who obviously doesn't give a rat's ass that I have a life and may need advanced warning could come tour my home.

Needless to say, I cleaned up the house as best I could and headed out the door (hair still not done). I ended up driving around looking like Bozo the Clown (yes, my hair looked that bad) and wishing I had some red and white face paint so I could finish the look. To make matters worse, I passed Dick (apparently heading to his parent's house) and I know he saw what I looked like and was probably thinking I looked like shit because I was missing him.

So this week's Golden Cock Award goes to my Realtor for being a jackass. He told me that advanced notice for all showings was guaranteed. He also said that he wouldn't allow anyone to just show up at the door (I guess that will be happening next). Although he did apologize for the inconvenience, I am still giving him two golden cocks, but if this shit happens again, he will definitely be scoring a five. Damnit!

Senile Penile Products

Can someone please explain to me what in the hell is up with all the "make your penis larger" ads being played repeatedly over the radio stations? They make it sound like size is the only thing that matters and I can tell you, that is the biggest (no pun intended) crock of shit I've ever heard. I don't care if you had the biggest, thickest johnson in the world -- if you can't back it up with personality and charm -- fuck ya!

With that said, this week's golden cock award goes to the makers of all "penis products" (enlargement pills, Viagra, Cialis). These assholes deserve to be thrown in hell for what they have done. They've made the good men think size is the most important thing, thus causing them to act like complete assholes around women. And now the old perves have the opportunity to act like complete assholes too, hoping to get a little something-something. Ugh!

So to all the "penis players" out there -- I award you five golden cocks and hope you fuck off and die. I hope your dick shrivels up, falls off, and lands in a tub of acid. I then hope your balls develop gang green and need to be surgically removed in a hospital that doesn't use anesthesia. And to all the guys out there who think size is all that counts, get your head out your ass and realize women need more than a big dick.

Dick Of All Dicks

This week's golden cock award goes to Dick (my husband) for leaving the kids and I yet again. I'm not sure if it's his love of strippers, a possible bitch on the side, or just the fact that he is a fucktard that drove him to leave this time, but off he went. I have decided to let the asshole go in peace. I also told him to pack well and not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. I then proceeded with the grieving process:

I boxed the shit he left behind up and have begun to sell most of it on Craigslist. I have made enough money so far to buy myself a couple steak dinners and a fancy new wardrobe. I also sent his number to several gay ads that I came across on Craigslist so I'm sure he's been spending quite a bit of time warding off the boys.

All of this still wasn't enough. My heart still hurt rather badly. I upped the ante and listed his "toy" (a sports car) on Ebay. That brought a pretty penny which I deposited into my newly opened bank account in case of a rainy day. Still not enough.

Luckily, he called to ask if I would drop his shampoo off at his father's house (it's some special shit for balding men). I politely agreed, but before I dropped it off, I added a little Nair to the mix. I so hope he enjoys my concoction.

My heartache has subsided slightly, but I'm sure the pain will arise again sooner or later. Let's just hope the bastard has sense enough to stay away from me. I'd hate to have him leave missing a ball or two. So to Dick, I award five golden cocks for being the most selfish and ignorant asshole I know.

Golden Cock Award - Officer Harris

I seriously despise the cops around here. They are plentiful in numbers as well as attitude. This week's golden cock award goes to State Trooper Harris for his non-people skills and pushy persona.

I was trying to be nice and get Dick's car inspected for him (yes, I'm capable of being nice). I was sitting in the mechanic's shop waiting patiently when my mechanic came rushing back inside. He looked at me funny and gestured to the window. I looked out, saw the cop, and was confused. I hadn't done anything.

The cop comes in and gets the mechanic. I see the two jacking the car up and looking all around. I knew something was going on, but had no idea what. The cop comes back and begins his tirade.

In his opinion, Dick's car is set up for street racing and doesn't belong on the street (which is utter bullshit). It should be kept on a race track (which it has never been nor ever will be). Apparently, this is how people get hurt (yes, dumb people) and because the car had no catalytic converter, he had to put a rejection sticker on it. I tried to explain to Officer Harris that it wasn't my car and he had the nerve to ask if I stole it.

Now I'm pissed and replied: Why yes, I stole a car, saw the inspection was out, decided to bring it back here and get that taken care of before I began my joyride. As for the catalytic converter, I decided to shove it up the owner's ass just before I sped off. Any more questions?

Of course, I ended up showing him my driver's license and the car's registration and was allowed to drive the reject back home. I award Officer Harris four golden cocks (it would have been five, but he didn't write me any tickets) for giving me a lecture on street racing even after I told him it wasn't my car and having the nerve to ask if I stole it. I also hope he shuts his masturbatory hand in his squad car as it's obvious he hasn't been laid in a while.

Golden Cock Award - Tom

About a month and a half ago, my brother and I realized that both our football teams were playing each other the first week of the season. The game would be at my team's stadium and I've never been so we decided to order the tickets. I have been waiting for them to arrive ever so patiently and was thrilled when I checked my email and saw that the tickets had been shipped. It has been over a week since they were supposed to be here and of course I'm upset.

I called the post office to inquire as to there whereabouts and was told that a package was left on my steps a few days ago. Now I'm pissed!

For those who don't know, I live in the 'burbs with tons of houses lining snooty little streets and lots of nosy neighbors. When we moved here, I specifically asked that no package was to ever be left on my doorstep. I'd rather pick it up from the post office rather than risk someone swiping it from my steps. I even filled out a little form stating the same thing. Now here I sit, no package -- no explanation.

This week's golden cock award goes to Tom, my mailman. For his inability to follow directions and perhaps fucking up my chances of watching my team crush my brother's team live and in person, I award him five golden cocks. I am also plotting a way to kidnap him, cut him open, steal his organs, and sell them on the black market in order to purchase new tickets.

Golden Cock Award - Brian

I get so sick and tired of the stupid men I encounter. The ones that think they can play games, beat around the bush, and get mad when I don't fall for their bullshit. I have decided to start a weekly post in honor of all these douche-bags. I will award one lucky guy the golden cocks (1 cock means they aren't that bad and 5 cocks means they are pure assholes). This week's award goes to Brian -- my air conditioning guy.

Brian has been to my house four times to fix my AC. Each time, he replaced something, told me it would work, and left with a check in his hand. Each time, what he did didn't work, I'm still sweating my ass off, and he has to come back. I even asked him if he'd just replace the whole unit as it would probably end up costing about the same if he kept replacing parts he thought were bad.

Brian returned yesterday to replace some coil that he promised would fix my problem. After he was done, he told me that he was going to be sad now. I asked him why and he said that he wouldn't be able to see me. He said he could no longer keep replacing things as an excuse to see me and figured he'd ask me out to dinner now.

So let me get this straight -- this ass has known what was wrong with my AC, but refused to fix it just so he could work on buttering me up. I've been sweating my ass off in my own home because this bastard was working up the nerve to ask me out? That is pathetic. Let me guess, if we did start dating, I'd be in a constant state of "wait" while he took his time making decisions and actually doing something. Thanks, but I'll pass.

I'm giving Brian three golden cocks (it would have been four, but he did refund my money for the fictitious work he had done) and a swift kick in the ass.