Sleepwalking Suzie

Me? I have been sleepwalking like hell! Every night, I find myself in a different room throughout the house – attempting to perform household duties. Just last night, I awoke and found myself in the laundry room folding clothes. The night before, I awoke and realized I was trying to dust the furniture. I think I may be going crazy.

The sad thing is, I seem to be doing whatever it is I fall asleep thinking about. This scares the shit out of me. What if I fall asleep thinking about forking Dick to death? Will I awake rummaging through my silverware drawer or worse, wake up with a bloody fork in hand?

I have thought about tying myself to the bed before falling asleep, but that just doesn’t sit well with me so I’ve decided to use my current predicament to my advantage. Each night before falling asleep, I will think about a chore that I hate doing and have put off – like cleaning blinds and shoveling dog shit from the back yard. This way, my most despised chores will be done and I won’t even remember doing them.

Too bad there isn’t a way to pass this gift onto others. My neighbors need to clean the trash out their yard, Dick needs to take our trash to the dump and change the oil in my car, and I know a few people who could benefit from sleepwalking workouts. But alas, no such luck. So I guess I’ll continue to sleepwalk my way to the cleanest house on the block while hoping and praying I don’t fall asleep thinking I need to polish those forks.