I thought the chores of bathrooms and grocery shopping were bad, but mowing the lawn? That sucks ass! It took me two brutally long hours to mow both the front and back yards. When I was done, I was dripping wet (and not in a good way) and cranky as shit. Who the hell came up with this idea? Why can't I just let the shit grow to the point it will fall over and appear less tall on its own?It's times like this that I actually miss Dick (if only for a fleeting, brief second). Mowing the grass was his job. Now I find myself doing absolutely everything around here and can't even squeeze ten minutes out of the damn day to paint my toenails (which I must say, are in desperate need of some attention).
It's times like this that also piss me off to think that he's out there doing whatever (or whomever) he wants while I have to play both mom and dad. Sometimes, I have fantasies of catching him in a dark alley and I am armed with forks and knives. Oh, the things I could do (none of which would really make me feel any better though).
Someone should seriously start a company for women like me - Dick for Hire. They should round up all those men out there that are afraid of commitment. The company could loan the men out to us so they can get a taste of what married life is like. This way, these men can mow the lawns, fix the vehicles, finish the "honey-do" lists, and see if marriage suits them or not. It's a win-win for both parties. Now someone, get this lady a drink!
8 comments:
Signora - no one said you couldn't put in a line item for manual labour in any alimony settlement. At least he'd have a legal obligation under those circumstances to do what he's told. ;)
@Green Curmudgeon: But it would be so much more fun to just throw him under the mower instead.
I would mow your lawn, and get you a drink.
And ladies, I am for hire, I can cook, fix things, mow, provide extra curricular activities, and I leave after the jobs is done. $12/hour, it's a steal.
@derek: $12 an hour? I'm sold! Sign up at the door! Oh, and I'd like steak and a baked potato for dinner. I'll take mine medium rare, thank you. :)
@derek: It's on the way!
Done, I just need a plane ticket.
Domestically, I would be okay. I smoke no more than 3 cigarettes an hour. I pick my nose politely, head turned slightly away, a roll of toilet paper always nearby so I don't smear the furniture. I always wear my shoes around ladies so possible foot odor does not offend. I always flush the commode before I go to bed, and I do my weekly bathing on schedule. (Well...holidays I may be a couple of days late - but fairly regularly.)
Outside...uh...I am trying to be honest here...I am not too good. I have worked as a janitor so I would keep the sidewalk relatively swept and clear. I field-strip cigarette butts. (I collect the shredded tobacco in coffee cans to hand-roll and re-smoke to keep cigarette costs down.) But mowing and stuff...uh...it's starting the damn things, the mowers, the weed eaters, that bug me. I hate having to tug that cord. Or have to refill the gas tank. I just let grass grow. Bugs and birds like it. It's natural. I'd just solve the whole problem by calling it - not a "lawn" - but an "urban environmental area."
Getting you a drink? Oh, my...I just received my one-year-of-sobriety chip (I'm an alcoholic) and I don't know if I could handle that aspect. Do you smoke dope? Not that I do now, but I could share a cigarette with you.
Thank you. Ralph
@Ralph: "urban environmental area" -- I like that and may just use that line myself. Congrats on your sobriety! And no, I haven't smoked pot in years.
I'm sure I could strike a deal with you though. I'll start the mower if you push it around the yard. We'll sip lemonade and smoke recycled cigs. :)
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