She's A Maniac

It is official – I am in serious need of therapy. I am a mean and horrible person who continues to do mean and horrible things. I deserve to be thrown in a small room and suited with a straightjacket. Or not.

People piss me off and I can’t help but do something about it. Take for instance this weekend at the movies: All was well until two brats began to talk. They continued their conversation despite the shhh’s from others. I finally had enough and began throwing popcorn at them. I started throwing piece by piece and when that didn’t seem to work, I hurled a handful and successfully hit the back of their heads. It worked and they shut the hell up.

Then at the gas station, I was attempting to pump gas when I noticed a man staring me up and down. I asked if I could help him to which he responded why yes, yes you can. I then proceeded to grab the windshield washer wand thingie and walked over to his truck like I was going to clean his windows. As I approached the back glass, I noticed his truck was filthy. Perfect! I then scribbled these words on the filthy glass: I’m the world’s biggest dick. Wanna ride? He called me a few choice names, but didn’t look at me again.

Last but not least, my neighbor’s dog. This little dog jumps the fence several times a week. I’m am so fucking tired of having to toss his ass back over the fence. I tried to let him out (hoping he’d get lost), but he found his way back home. Yesterday, he did it again. After seeing him shit in my yard and knowing his owners are aware of the problem and were home at the time, but obviously didn’t care, I had enough. I threw the dog in the car, drove for several miles, and booted him out on the side of the road. Hopefully some nice family (far from where I live) will find him and keep him. Good riddance.

So yes, I’ll be checking myself in to the nearest mental facility, but only after I finish watching this documentary on serial killers.

Mischievously Cheeto-ed

Why does something that tastes so good have to make such a damn mess? Who on god’s green earth would invent something that you eat with your hands and coat it in some neon orange powder that sticks to everything? And why do my kids insist on using the coach, carpet, and curtains to wipe the shit off?

I’ve had it with the orange stains everywhere. I’m tired of sitting down only to have something catch my eye and discover the orange powder has been transferred yet again. This time, it was the curtains that I had just washed the day before. I was pissed! I figured I had to do something or my whole damn house would become cheeto orange.

First, I made a mixture of cheetos and water until I achieved the right consistency (sticky as hell). I then rummaged around my kid’s rooms until I found their beloved gameboys. Finally, I proceeded to coat the gameboys in the sticky cheeto mixture and placed them where they were sure to be spotted – in the middle of their bedroom floors.

It didn’t take long before my kids stumbled upon my mischief. When asked who did that, I simply replied that it must have been the cheeto monster who rubbed cheetos all over the curtains. Needless to say, we won’t be purchasing cheetos anytime soon and I will be teaching my kids to do the laundry (I’ll be damned if I’m washing those curtains again).

Intro

Welcome to Bringing Bitchy Back.

Disclaimer: This blog is full of foul language and pure bitchiness. If you aren’t a fan of either, I suggest you leave now. If you arrived here via google, I’ll be writing about you soon (so bookmark this page and check back often). If you have an opinion, keep it to yourself (I have enough for all of us). If you disagree with me, I pity you because you are wrong. If you become a fan, let me know – I need a record of my stalkers.

About the author: I am a married mother of two. I am opinionated and cocky. I have the ability to tell people to go to hell and have them happy to be on their way. I don’t care if you like me, I’ll simply tell myself that you do. I could probably benefit from therapy, but therapy is for pussies. I am not to be taken seriously. I just like to bitch and write so I hope you enjoy reading what I rant as much as I enjoy ranting it.