Neighborhood Crime Bitch

My neighborhood is usually quiet (with the exception of the bitch brigade a.k.a. the other mothers) so I was disturbed to learn we've been having some crime lately. Cars have been broken into and mailboxes have been vandalized. After having my own mailbox smashed twice, I figured it was time to do something. I've never been one to sit back and just take it.

I took a nice long nap yesterday, preparing for my all-nighter. I put the kids to bed, donned my neighborhood crime bitch attire (all black obviously), and hid myself behind some bushes and waited. My plan was flawed as I had absolutely nothing to do but sit and watch, so I was bored as hell. About 12:30 in the morning, I spotted three teenage punks sneaking down the streets. Sure enough, they were pushing over mailboxes again. I dialed 911 and waited. Just as they were about to approach my box, I jumped out of the bushes and said if you value your balls, I'd rethink touching that mailbox.

Stunned, they turned to look at me and just as they were about to run, the police car was pulling in. Being as they were underage, I'm sure they were just taken back to their parents. Hopefully this will end the crime spree and if not, I'll be armed with a paintball gun next time. What is it with kids these days?

Dick Of All Dicks

This week's golden cock award goes to Dick (my husband) for leaving the kids and I yet again. I'm not sure if it's his love of strippers, a possible bitch on the side, or just the fact that he is a fucktard that drove him to leave this time, but off he went. I have decided to let the asshole go in peace. I also told him to pack well and not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. I then proceeded with the grieving process:

I boxed the shit he left behind up and have begun to sell most of it on Craigslist. I have made enough money so far to buy myself a couple steak dinners and a fancy new wardrobe. I also sent his number to several gay ads that I came across on Craigslist so I'm sure he's been spending quite a bit of time warding off the boys.

All of this still wasn't enough. My heart still hurt rather badly. I upped the ante and listed his "toy" (a sports car) on Ebay. That brought a pretty penny which I deposited into my newly opened bank account in case of a rainy day. Still not enough.

Luckily, he called to ask if I would drop his shampoo off at his father's house (it's some special shit for balding men). I politely agreed, but before I dropped it off, I added a little Nair to the mix. I so hope he enjoys my concoction.

My heartache has subsided slightly, but I'm sure the pain will arise again sooner or later. Let's just hope the bastard has sense enough to stay away from me. I'd hate to have him leave missing a ball or two. So to Dick, I award five golden cocks for being the most selfish and ignorant asshole I know.

For The Love Of Something

A ten hour drive through the mountains (my ears popping all the way) and a ten hour drive back (listening to my brother gloat about the Broncos win) just to watch my Bengals lose in the most unimaginable way ever! I must say, despite our loss, I had a blast!

I did manage to call out a couple of ho's at the game and I feel like sharing it with you:

One chick had on booty shorts and was making a point to show her ass (both literally and figuratively). I was fine until she bent over and my brother pointed out the tampon string hanging from her you know (yes, eww). I asked her how it felt to be more of an ass than she was showing and that she might want to go hide her string. She returned nothing but silence and the dumbest look ever.

The second (drunk) chick was hanging all over some dude who obviously didn't like the attention. I shouted over to him that drunk chicks are like stray cats -- you can never get rid of them. She backed off the dude (who looked instantly relieved), gave me a mean look, and mouthed "fuck you." I simply mouthed back "you are welcome."

The last ho happened to sit a few seats in front of me. This bitch would not shut up. During half the game, she was talking about everything except football. When she (not joking) began discussing her cleavage, I finally passed the rest of my popcorn to her and told her to stuff her damn mouth with it. She refused my offer, but thankfully shut the hell up!

So, although we may have lost, hopefully I have rid the world of a few ignorant bitches. Probably not, but the thought tickles my insides. As for the Bengals -- we'll get 'em next time!