How To Get Rid Of A Dick

I hate when guys cannot take no for an answer. I especially despise those men who are persistent in rejecting your "no" and continue to try and lure you in with hideous pick up lines and see-through compliments. I have found a way to not only shoot them down for good, but to have fun while you're doing it. So ladies, here are five ways to rid yourself of that persistent douchebag:

1. If the asshole insists on carrying on a conversation with you, join in. Use words such as puny, small, itsy-bitsy, tiny, little, and so on as much as you possible can. Each time you say one of the words, look directly at his crotch in a way he'll be sure to notice. He should get the hint and move on.

2. If the man has bought you a drink and has turned out to be an ass and refuses to leave, start the psycho bitch routine. Talk about how you stalked your ex and attempted to poison him with antifreeze. Throw in a few tears for good measure. If he still isn't leaving, remind him that you are still hurt and the next man to hurt you will suffer your pain tenfold. He won't take a chance with your crazy ass and will depart immediately.

3. Before you go out, be prepared for the guy who continues to hound you for your number. Grab your local phone book and find the number for the (also local) jail or penitentiary. Jot it down and slip it in your purse. If you run into the persistent number guy, give it to him and then laugh thinking of his reaction when he calls it.

4. You're at the club and some guy won't leave you alone. He continues to ask you to dance, so go for it. When you two are out on the floor, start dancing in a way that you have to bring your knees up. Wait for the perfect timing and then knee him in his crotch for all you're worth. Excuse your clumsiness and go back to your drink -- he won't bother you again.

5. If all this fails, you are dealing with a serious dick. At this point, you may have to pull out all the stops. Simply look him dead in his face and with the most serious look you can give, inform him that you have herpes. Tell him you were raped by your stepfather at the age of eleven and have had them ever since. If this doesn't get him to back the fuck up -- stab him with your fork because he deserved it.

I have tried all the above and they work wonders. Feel free to print this page and carry it with you the next time you go out. This has been my public service for the day...

Cold Beer - Colder Bitch

I went to the local sports bar to watch the Bengals-Steelers game yesterday. I had every intention of sitting alone at a table, sipping beer from the bottle, and cheering my boys on. I wore my OchoCinco jersey and jeans and had my "wish a motherfucker would" face on. I found a table and was prepared to enjoy my evening.

That wasn't going to happen.

I wasn't there ten minutes when a guy approached my table (wearing a Roethlisberger jersey to boot). He asked if I was alone to which I replied yes. He then asked if I wanted company to which I replied not really. He pulls out a seat and sits down anyway. He goes on to say I probably wouldn't want to be alone after we (the Bengals) lost and he was there to offer a shoulder to cry on. I was about to punch him dead in his damn nose when he offered to buy my drinks.

Sold.

The guy was cute, but the conversation was not. All he talked about was himself and how hard his life had been. Needless to say, when the game was over, I got up to leave. He said "it looks like I'm the one who needs a shoulder to cry on" (his team lost) to which I replied yup. As I was about to leave he made the comment but I bought you drinks (thinking this would make me stick around a while). I told him that I didn't ask him to and that I don't hang out with losers. I blew him a kiss and left.

I hate when ignorant assholes think just because they buy you a few drinks, you owe them something. I think next time, I'll offer to buy their drinks if they leave me the hell alone.

Dear Miss Suzie

Received this email recently:

Miss Suzie
I have been married for a year and things were great up until now. My husband refuses to help out around the house anymore. All he does is sits in front of the computer or tv. I have three small children that I am taking care of and I don't need a fourth. You seem like you do a great job dealing with a-holes and I was wondering how you would handle my situation.
Signed
Can't take it anymore

My Response:

Dear Can't take it anymore
Let me guess: While your asshole sits in front of the television or computer, you are busy doing all the things you have to do -- laundry, dinner, cleaning, etc.? You don't bother him and continue to busy yourself around the house and children? You have dinner on the table every night and your house stays tidy? Am I right?

Grow some labia!

Here's what you do: When you do laundry, only do yours and the kids. Allow his laundry to pile up in the corner of your bedroom where he'll be sure to see it. When you fix dinner, only do so for you and your children. For added bitchiness, you can even set him a place at the table, but do not have food available for his plate. When he finally asks what the hell is going on, repeat these words:

It is apparent that you no longer feel the need to help out around the house, so I suggest you ask your dear computer for some help. Perhaps you should google how not to act like a complete jackass in a marriage.

Then go have a girl's night out -- you deserve it.