Mailbox Mayhem

My mailbox has been hit by a car repeatedly for the last several weeks. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to straighten it back up and fill it in with more dirt. It got to the point that I was utterly pissed and although I knew who was doing it, I didn’t know how to prove it.

That was until yesterday.

Still fuming over having it hit again, I was cleaning out my pantry. I came across an expired jar of honey. A light bulb went off and I knew exactly what to do.

I immediately went outside and coated the box with all the glory gooiness. I then sat back and waited. It wasn’t but a few hours when I realized the box was leaning yet again. I grabbed my camera and marched my ass across the street. Just as I had taken the first picture, my neighbor opened the door and asked what the hell I was doing to which I responded getting proof.

He then approaches me looking as if he were about to bite my head off. I begin to explain myself:

"You see, I am sick and tired of having to fix my damn mailbox. I do have better things to do with my time (like plot my husband’s murder) so I had to take matters into my own hands. You see this here (I say as I am pointing to the big glob of honey on his truck), this proves you are the asshole that’s been driving me insane the last several weeks. I coated the box in honey and the proof is on your truck. May I suggest the next time you run into it, you fix it your damn self or I will turn this evidence over to the proper authorities."

I then marched my ass right back home, poured myself a cold beer, and began watching Melrose Place (don't judge me -- nothing else was on). I slept well knowing the honey didn’t actually go to waste and I wouldn’t have this problem again.

Senile Penile Products

Can someone please explain to me what in the hell is up with all the "make your penis larger" ads being played repeatedly over the radio stations? They make it sound like size is the only thing that matters and I can tell you, that is the biggest (no pun intended) crock of shit I've ever heard. I don't care if you had the biggest, thickest johnson in the world -- if you can't back it up with personality and charm -- fuck ya!

With that said, this week's golden cock award goes to the makers of all "penis products" (enlargement pills, Viagra, Cialis). These assholes deserve to be thrown in hell for what they have done. They've made the good men think size is the most important thing, thus causing them to act like complete assholes around women. And now the old perves have the opportunity to act like complete assholes too, hoping to get a little something-something. Ugh!

So to all the "penis players" out there -- I award you five golden cocks and hope you fuck off and die. I hope your dick shrivels up, falls off, and lands in a tub of acid. I then hope your balls develop gang green and need to be surgically removed in a hospital that doesn't use anesthesia. And to all the guys out there who think size is all that counts, get your head out your ass and realize women need more than a big dick.

How To Get Rid Of A Dick

I hate when guys cannot take no for an answer. I especially despise those men who are persistent in rejecting your "no" and continue to try and lure you in with hideous pick up lines and see-through compliments. I have found a way to not only shoot them down for good, but to have fun while you're doing it. So ladies, here are five ways to rid yourself of that persistent douchebag:

1. If the asshole insists on carrying on a conversation with you, join in. Use words such as puny, small, itsy-bitsy, tiny, little, and so on as much as you possible can. Each time you say one of the words, look directly at his crotch in a way he'll be sure to notice. He should get the hint and move on.

2. If the man has bought you a drink and has turned out to be an ass and refuses to leave, start the psycho bitch routine. Talk about how you stalked your ex and attempted to poison him with antifreeze. Throw in a few tears for good measure. If he still isn't leaving, remind him that you are still hurt and the next man to hurt you will suffer your pain tenfold. He won't take a chance with your crazy ass and will depart immediately.

3. Before you go out, be prepared for the guy who continues to hound you for your number. Grab your local phone book and find the number for the (also local) jail or penitentiary. Jot it down and slip it in your purse. If you run into the persistent number guy, give it to him and then laugh thinking of his reaction when he calls it.

4. You're at the club and some guy won't leave you alone. He continues to ask you to dance, so go for it. When you two are out on the floor, start dancing in a way that you have to bring your knees up. Wait for the perfect timing and then knee him in his crotch for all you're worth. Excuse your clumsiness and go back to your drink -- he won't bother you again.

5. If all this fails, you are dealing with a serious dick. At this point, you may have to pull out all the stops. Simply look him dead in his face and with the most serious look you can give, inform him that you have herpes. Tell him you were raped by your stepfather at the age of eleven and have had them ever since. If this doesn't get him to back the fuck up -- stab him with your fork because he deserved it.

I have tried all the above and they work wonders. Feel free to print this page and carry it with you the next time you go out. This has been my public service for the day...