Thursday

Mailbox Mayhem

My mailbox has been hit by a car repeatedly for the last several weeks. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to straighten it back up and fill it in with more dirt. It got to the point that I was utterly pissed and although I knew who was doing it, I didn’t know how to prove it.

That was until yesterday.

Still fuming over having it hit again, I was cleaning out my pantry. I came across an expired jar of honey. A light bulb went off and I knew exactly what to do.

I immediately went outside and coated the box with all the glory gooiness. I then sat back and waited. It wasn’t but a few hours when I realized the box was leaning yet again. I grabbed my camera and marched my ass across the street. Just as I had taken the first picture, my neighbor opened the door and asked what the hell I was doing to which I responded getting proof.

He then approaches me looking as if he were about to bite my head off. I begin to explain myself:

"You see, I am sick and tired of having to fix my damn mailbox. I do have better things to do with my time (like plot my husband’s murder) so I had to take matters into my own hands. You see this here (I say as I am pointing to the big glob of honey on his truck), this proves you are the asshole that’s been driving me insane the last several weeks. I coated the box in honey and the proof is on your truck. May I suggest the next time you run into it, you fix it your damn self or I will turn this evidence over to the proper authorities."

I then marched my ass right back home, poured myself a cold beer, and began watching Melrose Place (don't judge me -- nothing else was on). I slept well knowing the honey didn’t actually go to waste and I wouldn’t have this problem again.

5 comments:

Beer Drinker Rob said...

You just traded problems--fixing a leaning mailbox for a massive amount of ants.

My mailbox has been hit a few times too, so I know it sucks fixing it. At least it wasn't like that scene with the baseball bats in A Clockwork Orange.

Miss Suzie said...

@Beer Drinker: Man, you aren't kidding! I went to clean the mess up this morning before the mail carrier came and it was insane. I ended up having to go get some spray to kill the little fuckers!

TJ Lubrano said...

You are so cool! I simply love the way your mind works! I wouldn't have thought of that! then again...I don't have a mailbox in front of my door ^_^

Miss Suzie said...

@TJ: Thanks! My mind is a work of art (or so I've been told) and I'm not sure they meant it in a good way. =)

Venom said...

Jebus Cripes, I think you might be my new hero.

I, too, am disturbed by this...

You bitch it up right lady; come visit my site (Hatred-A Sustainable Resource) sometime when you've got time to kill.