Me? After being frozen for five minutes, I grabbed the closest thing I could (which happened to be hairbrush) and took a swing at the bitch. Screaming like a girl and yelling for my dear life, I watched as the spider's legs curled underneath its now lifeless body. Yes, the spider was harmed in the writing of this post (can't you see the leg has been ripped right off).If anything scares the shit out of me more, it's spiders (followed closely by snakes). I don't care whether they are big or small -- they seriously frighten the hell out of me. I almost stepped on this one yesterday morning and my son had found the same species in our mailbox the evening before. I must say, if I had to like a spider though -- this would be the one. A black widow.
This spider knows what the hell she's doing. She waits for Mr. Spidey to do his thing and then she eats the bastard. Thus, she has her spidey kids that she's always wanted -- without the added drama of having to take care of his ass as well. I'm now starting to feel a little bad about squishing her (I could have learned a lot from her).
I wonder if seeing two of these things in two days is some sort of sign. Before now, I had only seen one black widow in my thirty years of existence. Perhaps someone is telling me that Dick will soon fall off the face of the Earth, finally leaving me at peace. Or perhaps it's a sign that I should just barbecue him now and get it over with. Ooh. I could even make shish-kabobs and call them Dick on a Stick. Either way works fine for me.
6 comments:
Signora - spiders seem to be a common fear, but if it's any consolation, yours is not the most extreme case of which I'm aware. A former employee of mine once had long hair, and caught sight of his hairstyle's shadow: believing his frayed locks were spider legs, he was discovered after 30 minutes perched atop a toilet seat, holding a rolled up magazine.
As for any signs and symbols; perhaps the spiders were looking for Dick himself. Unfortunately, they're taking a while to register the change of address.
@Green Curmudgeon: I wonder if there is paperwork I can fill out to point them in the right direction quickly. I'm tired of feeling the creepy crawlies.
Make sure you tenderize the meet. I hear human is kind of tough.
@derek: Ah, yes. Good point. I have one of those meat mallets, so I shall just beat the meat tender. Any suggestions on a sauce?
In Oregon our spiders are HUGE. There is actually a spider season in which they invade your home and you are helpless to do anything about it. It sucks. Big time.
@ALN: Oh hell no! I'd be thinking of moving in a heartbeat. I'll be damn if I have to live with the bitches for a whole season!
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