Dr. Cunt-ner

WWSD? Suzie would have made the appointment and spread her legs with grace and poise.

I hate when people don't listen. It pisses me off when I tell someone something and two weeks later, they forgot what the hell I had said. My doctor is obviously one of those people (poor thing).

The poor bastard called two weeks ago reminding me that I was due for a pap test. Mind you, he never calls to inform me of any other visits, just apparently the ones that involve me and my cooch. I politely tell him that since Dick was laid off in January, I no longer had insurance and would call to reschedule as soon as I did.

I thought that was the end of that until he calls me yesterday to remind me yet again that I am due in his office to have my legs spread apart while this contraption is inserted in my nether regions as I make idle chit-chat and watch him adorn lube-laced gloves. I ask him if he is having withdrawals and he seemed taken aback.

Please! You're going to call me twice in two weeks asking if you can look at my cunt and expect me not to say anything? Yeah, right! How would he like it if I called him twice to ask of his whereabouts? A little to the left or a little to the right? Firm, limp, or somewhere in the middle?

Needless to say, after a very descriptive (for lack of a better term) conversation, I think he took the hint. I doubt he will be calling to remind me again, but will wait patiently for me to return his call. If nothing else came of this conversation, I definitely deserve an award for the most times cunt was ever used during a phone conversation. *takes a bow*

Scarbble

WWSD? Suzie would only use proper, English words.

I feel it has been rather pissy around here the last few days and figured I'd lighten the mood by letting you all in on a game the kids and I play. We call it Scarbble and it is played exactly like Scrabble - except the words cannot be actual words, but have to make some sort of sense anyway. Here are a few that we came up with last night (along with their meanings):

trilava: Lava that has been heated and cooled three times.

mudpud: A dirty moped that makes the sound "pud, pud, pud, pud, pud" when started.

nichewit: Someone who is only witty on one subject.

poopil: A poodle with big pupils.

hammuck: A dirty hammock.

doorcob: A doorknob made from a corncob.

pless: A plentiful mess.

lintitude: The exact location of lint.

Those were just a few we had come up with. We will be having a rematch soon, so I invite you to submit your own words and maybe I can use them to whip the socks right off their feet next time. Yes, I am a poor loser and overly competitive, so help a lady out.

One Tough Cookie

WWSD? Suzie would accept the apology and act as if nothing had happened.

I cannot stand when someone tells me they will be here at such and such a time and then are either late or don't bother showing up at all. It burns my butt cheeks (yes, another excuse to say butt cheeks), boils my blood, and gets my panties in a bunch tighter than Joan Rivers' face. Punctuality is a big thing with me and if you don't have it, don't bother.

I made an appointment with a company to service my air condtioner last week. As the weather is getting warmer, it is becoming more apparent that the unit isn't working as it should. I am getting rather tired of walking around my house and feeling as if I'm in a sauna (and why is it when you're in a sauna, it feels rather pleasant?).

They were supposed to be here this morning and have not been seen or heard from yet. I finally decided to call the company and inquire as to their whereabouts. I was given a quick (and rather flippant) apology and was told that they had an emergency call and were clear across town. It will take them a little longer to get to me.

Now, this I can understand (shit happens), but to not even bother to call and inform me of the change? Like I had nothing better to do with my time than to sit around waiting on their asses to show? Don't these people realize that I have important things like grocery shopping and saving the world to do? I figured I'd get even (it's been a rough couple of days and I needed the pick-me-up).

I called another (hopefully more reliable) company and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow. I then jotted a wonderful note that read:

Dear (company's name)

I had to run out for a brief moment as I seemed to have lost my mind somewhere this morning. I'm not sure how long it will take me to find it, but feel free to enjoy these cookies until I return.

Yours truly,
Miss Suzie

I then taped the note to the door and left a plate of cookies on the steps. I am now waiting patiently behind my blinds to see the reaction to having been stood up by a client. Assholes.