No Insult, No Injury

WWSD? Suzie would turn the other cheek and excuse the behavior as stress related.

I love when someone tries to insult you, but they can't seem to find anything bad to say. They fumble over their words looking for any flaw and continue to come up empty handed. The look on their face shows their intent -- they want to hurt your feelings, but just don't know how. Lucky for me, I'm damn near perfect (kidding).

Listening to Dick trying to insult me has to be one of my all time favorite pastimes. Seeing him searching his mental databank for anything to throw at me is more amusing than watching a woman walk in six inch heels after one too many drinks. I love it! He always fails to come up with anything remotely hurtful and looks like a jackass in the end.

Apparently, Dick has decided to delay selling the house (I have no idea why, but whatever). I tried to inquire as to why the hell he'd do that and the verbal games began. The usual bitch and whore ensue, neither of which I am so it doesn't affect me at all. Then comes the you were never good at (fill in the blank with pretty much anything) as to which I know better and it goes in one ear and out the other.

By the time the conversation was over, he was verbally spent and I was laughing like hell. I offered a simple I didn't know you felt that way followed by the dial tone and that was the sword in his side. When will he learn, he'll never win with me?

So here we are, back to square one. I have no idea what is going on inside Dick's pea-brain. He is apparently more confused than I had originally thought. I'm hoping he'll pull his shit together sometime soon and figure out what the hell he's doing. Until then, I'm going to continue doing what I do -- writing about it.

Not Your Piece Of Meat

WWSD? Suzie would have said thank you, but no thank you.

I've been putting off clothes shopping for the longest time, but my kids decided a growth spurt was in order and the weather is staying warm. Unless I wanted to continue doing laundry every three days, we had no choice but to go shopping for summer clothes. All was well as my daughter was ooh-ing and ahh-ing over all things sparkly and girly. My son could not have cared less. All of a sudden, I felt hands grab my shoulders and I turn to see a man -- not just any man, but Dick's best friend from back in the day.

Of course he complimented me on such beautiful children (you would too if you've seen them) and asked the usual how have you been and followed that by what I dreaded the most -- how is Dick? I replied with a simple I wouldn't know and braced myself for the worse.

It was at this point the hair on the back of my neck stood up. It was obvious by this prick's body language that he was pleased to hear the news. He actually smiled in a way reminiscent of the big, bad wolf from the classic children's tale. He grabbed my hand, looked in my eyes, and said so I guess you'll be needing a new man?

Oh, no he didn't!

I quickly yanked my hand from his and looked him dead in the face. I (as calmly as possible) told him that no, I did not need a new man, but if he knew where I could get a low-priced lawnmower to run over all the assholes I've encountered lately I'd be extremely interested. I then turned and walked away.

I swear, the next time I go shopping, I'm putting a sticker on my ass that reads this piece of meat is not for sale so don't bother. What is it with some guys and why me? Perhaps another date with the devil is in order. Maybe I can sweet talk him into sending them all to hell.

Suzie Doesn't Want To

WWSD? Suzie wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

Something extremely terrifying happened to me yesterday. Something so unimaginable that it scares me almost as bad as spiders. Just the mere thought of it has my skin crawling and my breakfast trying to work its way back up. I realized that I don't want to stay single forever. I realized that even though Dick did a number, I still had love to give. But to do that, I will eventually have to date again. Date again? Ugh!

Dating sucks donkey balls! I've never been a fan of the butterflies in you stomach as it just makes me want to puke. I hate the whole putting on that people do -- saying things they don't really mean and only doing so because they think it's what you want to hear. The half-ass compliments that are only uttered in an ill attempt to woo you. The whole to kiss or not to kiss? To sex or not to sex? And of course, the weeding out of the guys who are obviously just trying to get in your pants.

Oh god. What will I wear? Do these jeans make my ass look even bigger? Why is he late? Why didn't he call? When will he call? I wonder if I just offended him? What is that smell? I wonder if he likes me? Is he telling the truth? Why does he keep twitching like that? Was it something I said?

I am not looking forward to having to go through all that again. I'd rather stick my head in the toilet and allow my children to plunge away. Seriously. Year number two from my five year plan is looking more and more appealing after all.