Boys Will Be Boys

WWSD? Suzie would know exactly how to handle this situation.

I love that I'm the cool mom. I love that all my kid's friends want to come to our house to play. It's easier to keep my eyes on who they are hanging out with and what they are doing. Having a house full of kids has never bothered me, until now.

One of my son's friends seems to have developed a crush on me. He continues to bring me hand-drawn cards and flowers he has picked from his yard. He has stopped playing with the other kids and just wants to sit and talk to me. It all makes me feel uncomfortable and I have no idea what to do about it as I do not want to hurt his feelings in any way.

I've thought about trying to set him up with one of the neighborhood girls, but if it didn't work out -- I'm scared he'd torch my house. I've thought about being blunt with him, but I see that going just as bad. Perhaps I should just ignore him -- I'm sure his feelings may be hurt, but that seems like my only safe bet.

On the other side, I could use this to my advantage. I could get him to mow my lawn as we know that didn't go over so well with me last time. I could use some help weeding the garden and the flower beds. The fence could stand a few nails here and there and my car could stand a good washing as well. Hmm. This could actually prove to be rather useful. I wonder if he'll accept cupcakes as payment?

No Insult, No Injury

WWSD? Suzie would turn the other cheek and excuse the behavior as stress related.

I love when someone tries to insult you, but they can't seem to find anything bad to say. They fumble over their words looking for any flaw and continue to come up empty handed. The look on their face shows their intent -- they want to hurt your feelings, but just don't know how. Lucky for me, I'm damn near perfect (kidding).

Listening to Dick trying to insult me has to be one of my all time favorite pastimes. Seeing him searching his mental databank for anything to throw at me is more amusing than watching a woman walk in six inch heels after one too many drinks. I love it! He always fails to come up with anything remotely hurtful and looks like a jackass in the end.

Apparently, Dick has decided to delay selling the house (I have no idea why, but whatever). I tried to inquire as to why the hell he'd do that and the verbal games began. The usual bitch and whore ensue, neither of which I am so it doesn't affect me at all. Then comes the you were never good at (fill in the blank with pretty much anything) as to which I know better and it goes in one ear and out the other.

By the time the conversation was over, he was verbally spent and I was laughing like hell. I offered a simple I didn't know you felt that way followed by the dial tone and that was the sword in his side. When will he learn, he'll never win with me?

So here we are, back to square one. I have no idea what is going on inside Dick's pea-brain. He is apparently more confused than I had originally thought. I'm hoping he'll pull his shit together sometime soon and figure out what the hell he's doing. Until then, I'm going to continue doing what I do -- writing about it.

Not Your Piece Of Meat

WWSD? Suzie would have said thank you, but no thank you.

I've been putting off clothes shopping for the longest time, but my kids decided a growth spurt was in order and the weather is staying warm. Unless I wanted to continue doing laundry every three days, we had no choice but to go shopping for summer clothes. All was well as my daughter was ooh-ing and ahh-ing over all things sparkly and girly. My son could not have cared less. All of a sudden, I felt hands grab my shoulders and I turn to see a man -- not just any man, but Dick's best friend from back in the day.

Of course he complimented me on such beautiful children (you would too if you've seen them) and asked the usual how have you been and followed that by what I dreaded the most -- how is Dick? I replied with a simple I wouldn't know and braced myself for the worse.

It was at this point the hair on the back of my neck stood up. It was obvious by this prick's body language that he was pleased to hear the news. He actually smiled in a way reminiscent of the big, bad wolf from the classic children's tale. He grabbed my hand, looked in my eyes, and said so I guess you'll be needing a new man?

Oh, no he didn't!

I quickly yanked my hand from his and looked him dead in the face. I (as calmly as possible) told him that no, I did not need a new man, but if he knew where I could get a low-priced lawnmower to run over all the assholes I've encountered lately I'd be extremely interested. I then turned and walked away.

I swear, the next time I go shopping, I'm putting a sticker on my ass that reads this piece of meat is not for sale so don't bother. What is it with some guys and why me? Perhaps another date with the devil is in order. Maybe I can sweet talk him into sending them all to hell.