Tool Foolery

WWSD? Suzie would wait patiently or hire a handyman.

Dick was serious this time. The real estate agent arrived today, looked over the house, and told us what we needed to do. Apparently, it isn't as cut and dry as I had originally thought. We will have to make a few repairs and fix some minor eyesores before we can even list the house. Unfortunately, this is going to take longer than I had thought and most of the repairs require power tools -- which is not my area of expertise.

Dick, being the cheap twat that he is, wants to save money and do the repairs himself. Problem is, he doesn't have keys to the house and I don't want to be anywhere near him. This means that I have to find somewhere for the kids and I to go whenever he wants to bring his sorry ass over here and fix shit. Great.

I think I'll start watching the Home and Garden Channel and the Do It Yourself Network 24/7 instead. Between all the info and my ability to improvise catch on quickly, I should be able to give Bob Villa a run for his money in no time flat. Within a week, I should be swinging a hammer, operating the drill, and sawing wood like I've done it all my life. And if not, I will at least have learned how to use a table saw properly (this will come in handy when I cut Dick up into bite-size pieces for the fish).

Wish me luck. If I don't become discouraged by the fact that these people can renovate a whole house in thirty minutes (minus ten minutes for commercials), I'll definitely be discouraged by the fact that I have yet to work up enough courage to turn the jigsaw on.

Golden Cock Award - Brian

I get so sick and tired of the stupid men I encounter. The ones that think they can play games, beat around the bush, and get mad when I don't fall for their bullshit. I have decided to start a weekly post in honor of all these douche-bags. I will award one lucky guy the golden cocks (1 cock means they aren't that bad and 5 cocks means they are pure assholes). This week's award goes to Brian -- my air conditioning guy.

Brian has been to my house four times to fix my AC. Each time, he replaced something, told me it would work, and left with a check in his hand. Each time, what he did didn't work, I'm still sweating my ass off, and he has to come back. I even asked him if he'd just replace the whole unit as it would probably end up costing about the same if he kept replacing parts he thought were bad.

Brian returned yesterday to replace some coil that he promised would fix my problem. After he was done, he told me that he was going to be sad now. I asked him why and he said that he wouldn't be able to see me. He said he could no longer keep replacing things as an excuse to see me and figured he'd ask me out to dinner now.

So let me get this straight -- this ass has known what was wrong with my AC, but refused to fix it just so he could work on buttering me up. I've been sweating my ass off in my own home because this bastard was working up the nerve to ask me out? That is pathetic. Let me guess, if we did start dating, I'd be in a constant state of "wait" while he took his time making decisions and actually doing something. Thanks, but I'll pass.

I'm giving Brian three golden cocks (it would have been four, but he did refund my money for the fictitious work he had done) and a swift kick in the ass.

Three Men And A Lady

WWSD? Suzie would mind her own business and enjoy her dinner in peace.

I get so sick and tired of hearing how women bitch and complain. Men are the same damn way. I overheard a few of them talking in a restaurant and it wasn't much difference between their conversation and the way I carry on with my girlfriends. As I sat there eating my coconut shrimp and sipping my pina colada, I listened in on the man-fest.

I learned that guy #1 was upset in the lack of sex between him and his wife. He was asking the other dudes for advice which I'm praying he doesn't take. I'm not sure the wife will dig the offer of a threesome to spice things up, but hey, what the hell do I know? She might be into that sort of thing.

Guy #2 was having problems at work. He felt under appreciated and had just lost a big deal. He was thinking of career changes and one of the dudes offered "bartender" as a possible career choice. "Think of all the drunk chicks, dude."

Guy #3 was having women problems. He apparently couldn't get past three dates before they failed miserably. He was told to try Eharmony or an equivalent path.

Of course, me being the little Suzie that I am, figured I'd offer up my own advice. I got up, waltzed on over, and slid in the chair beside guy #2. I told the first guy to help his wife around the house more and to up the romantic gestures throughout the day. This way, she won't be so tired at the end of the day and will be more in the mood after receiving more affection. I told guy #2 that he had two choices -- he either needed to work harder and quit his bitching or find a new job. I reminded him of the current economy and how hard it is to find decent work. I informed guy #3 that his problem was probably due to his wandering eye. After watching him check the ass of every woman that walked by his table, I could see why no woman would hang around too long.

I then got up, walked back to my table, and ordered dessert. I left the restaurant that night not only knowing that I helped the lives of three strangers, but got guy #3's phone number as well (he actually left his business card on my table as he was leaving). If I do decide to go out with him, I'll bring my fork in case his eyes need readjusting.