I'm not sure what's wrong with the women around here, but I for one am sick of it. I'm tired of tits and ass in my face everywhere I go. I'm tired of being bombarded with cleavage and ass cracks at every turn. I can no longer take having to turn my head to avoid seeing girly bits and have decided to start speaking up.
It started at a local superstore. While trying to find the proper nails for puncturing teen driver's tires, I see this lady bending down looking for something. After hearing my son giggling, I turned to be confronted with nothing but ass crack. The woman's pants were either two sizes too small or cut two inches too low. I finally approached her and whispered in her ear that she may want to pull her pants up or her shirt down because the sight isn't very pleasing.
The next incident happened at the grocery store. While searching for the perfect blueberries for the pie that I wanted to lace and bake (yes, another exlax surprise for my lovely neighbors) I was greeted with massive amounts of cleavage. I finally walked up to Miss Shit and told her she may need a new bra as it was obvious her current one wasn't supporting the twins properly.
The last episode was at a hobby store. As I was trying to find parts for my son's model rocket, I noticed a chick that was obviously lost. This bitch had on a mini skirt with her ass cheeks on parade and a shirt that looked like it belonged to her two year old and she just happened to feel like squeezing into it that morning. Her clear high heel shoes looked like something found at a strip club. I tried to keep my mouth shut, but that just wasn't going to happen. I finally approached her and told her she was lost and that the gentlemen's club was a few blocks down on the right.
All of these women were rightfully pissed at my remarks, but I will continue to call them out. If I have to be subjected to their lack of clothing, they shall be subjected to my blunt opinion – seems fair to me.
Tuesday
Saturday
Golden Cock Award - Officer Harris
I seriously despise the cops around here. They are plentiful in numbers as well as attitude. This week's golden cock award goes to State Trooper Harris for his non-people skills and pushy persona.
I was trying to be nice and get Dick's car inspected for him (yes, I'm capable of being nice). I was sitting in the mechanic's shop waiting patiently when my mechanic came rushing back inside. He looked at me funny and gestured to the window. I looked out, saw the cop, and was confused. I hadn't done anything.
The cop comes in and gets the mechanic. I see the two jacking the car up and looking all around. I knew something was going on, but had no idea what. The cop comes back and begins his tirade.
In his opinion, Dick's car is set up for street racing and doesn't belong on the street (which is utter bullshit). It should be kept on a race track (which it has never been nor ever will be). Apparently, this is how people get hurt (yes, dumb people) and because the car had no catalytic converter, he had to put a rejection sticker on it. I tried to explain to Officer Harris that it wasn't my car and he had the nerve to ask if I stole it.
Now I'm pissed and replied: Why yes, I stole a car, saw the inspection was out, decided to bring it back here and get that taken care of before I began my joyride. As for the catalytic converter, I decided to shove it up the owner's ass just before I sped off. Any more questions?
Of course, I ended up showing him my driver's license and the car's registration and was allowed to drive the reject back home. I award Officer Harris four golden cocks (it would have been five, but he didn't write me any tickets) for giving me a lecture on street racing even after I told him it wasn't my car and having the nerve to ask if I stole it. I also hope he shuts his masturbatory hand in his squad car as it's obvious he hasn't been laid in a while.
I was trying to be nice and get Dick's car inspected for him (yes, I'm capable of being nice). I was sitting in the mechanic's shop waiting patiently when my mechanic came rushing back inside. He looked at me funny and gestured to the window. I looked out, saw the cop, and was confused. I hadn't done anything.
The cop comes in and gets the mechanic. I see the two jacking the car up and looking all around. I knew something was going on, but had no idea what. The cop comes back and begins his tirade.
In his opinion, Dick's car is set up for street racing and doesn't belong on the street (which is utter bullshit). It should be kept on a race track (which it has never been nor ever will be). Apparently, this is how people get hurt (yes, dumb people) and because the car had no catalytic converter, he had to put a rejection sticker on it. I tried to explain to Officer Harris that it wasn't my car and he had the nerve to ask if I stole it.
Now I'm pissed and replied: Why yes, I stole a car, saw the inspection was out, decided to bring it back here and get that taken care of before I began my joyride. As for the catalytic converter, I decided to shove it up the owner's ass just before I sped off. Any more questions?
Of course, I ended up showing him my driver's license and the car's registration and was allowed to drive the reject back home. I award Officer Harris four golden cocks (it would have been five, but he didn't write me any tickets) for giving me a lecture on street racing even after I told him it wasn't my car and having the nerve to ask if I stole it. I also hope he shuts his masturbatory hand in his squad car as it's obvious he hasn't been laid in a while.
Labels:
Golden Cock Award
Friday
Holy Moldy
Summer's here, the kids are out of school, and my patience is being tried harder than the OJ Simpson trial. Other than the usual I'm so bored, my son has decided he no longer needs showers. But mom, it's not like I have school tomorrow or anything. And even though I've told him he's beginning to smell worse than our dogs, he is refusing to take a shower.
After his little tirade last night where he actually went into the bathroom and apparently ran the shower for fifteen minutes while building his lego ship (never bothering to actually get in the shower), I figured enough was enough. It was time to get creative.
I found an old spray bottle and mixed green food coloring with water (I was fresh out of kool-aid). I then snuck up to his room and sprayed him while he slept (good thing he sleeps like a rock). Of course, I was awaken to shrill screams this morning as my son comes running into my room screaming he was sick. Holding back the giggles, I told him I was afraid this would happen. I then go on to tell him that his lack of showers has allowed mold to begin to form on his body.
Needless to say, he has had two showers today and almost all the mold has washed off. Ah, the joys of being a parent...
After his little tirade last night where he actually went into the bathroom and apparently ran the shower for fifteen minutes while building his lego ship (never bothering to actually get in the shower), I figured enough was enough. It was time to get creative.
I found an old spray bottle and mixed green food coloring with water (I was fresh out of kool-aid). I then snuck up to his room and sprayed him while he slept (good thing he sleeps like a rock). Of course, I was awaken to shrill screams this morning as my son comes running into my room screaming he was sick. Holding back the giggles, I told him I was afraid this would happen. I then go on to tell him that his lack of showers has allowed mold to begin to form on his body.
Needless to say, he has had two showers today and almost all the mold has washed off. Ah, the joys of being a parent...
Labels:
pissy parenting
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