Sleepwalking Suzie

Me? I have been sleepwalking like hell! Every night, I find myself in a different room throughout the house – attempting to perform household duties. Just last night, I awoke and found myself in the laundry room folding clothes. The night before, I awoke and realized I was trying to dust the furniture. I think I may be going crazy.

The sad thing is, I seem to be doing whatever it is I fall asleep thinking about. This scares the shit out of me. What if I fall asleep thinking about forking Dick to death? Will I awake rummaging through my silverware drawer or worse, wake up with a bloody fork in hand?

I have thought about tying myself to the bed before falling asleep, but that just doesn’t sit well with me so I’ve decided to use my current predicament to my advantage. Each night before falling asleep, I will think about a chore that I hate doing and have put off – like cleaning blinds and shoveling dog shit from the back yard. This way, my most despised chores will be done and I won’t even remember doing them.

Too bad there isn’t a way to pass this gift onto others. My neighbors need to clean the trash out their yard, Dick needs to take our trash to the dump and change the oil in my car, and I know a few people who could benefit from sleepwalking workouts. But alas, no such luck. So I guess I’ll continue to sleepwalk my way to the cleanest house on the block while hoping and praying I don’t fall asleep thinking I need to polish those forks.

Seriously Lacking

I'm not sure what's wrong with the women around here, but I for one am sick of it. I'm tired of tits and ass in my face everywhere I go. I'm tired of being bombarded with cleavage and ass cracks at every turn. I can no longer take having to turn my head to avoid seeing girly bits and have decided to start speaking up.

It started at a local superstore. While trying to find the proper nails for puncturing teen driver's tires, I see this lady bending down looking for something. After hearing my son giggling, I turned to be confronted with nothing but ass crack. The woman's pants were either two sizes too small or cut two inches too low. I finally approached her and whispered in her ear that she may want to pull her pants up or her shirt down because the sight isn't very pleasing.

The next incident happened at the grocery store. While searching for the perfect blueberries for the pie that I wanted to lace and bake (yes, another exlax surprise for my lovely neighbors) I was greeted with massive amounts of cleavage. I finally walked up to Miss Shit and told her she may need a new bra as it was obvious her current one wasn't supporting the twins properly.

The last episode was at a hobby store. As I was trying to find parts for my son's model rocket, I noticed a chick that was obviously lost. This bitch had on a mini skirt with her ass cheeks on parade and a shirt that looked like it belonged to her two year old and she just happened to feel like squeezing into it that morning. Her clear high heel shoes looked like something found at a strip club. I tried to keep my mouth shut, but that just wasn't going to happen. I finally approached her and told her she was lost and that the gentlemen's club was a few blocks down on the right.

All of these women were rightfully pissed at my remarks, but I will continue to call them out. If I have to be subjected to their lack of clothing, they shall be subjected to my blunt opinion – seems fair to me.

Golden Cock Award - Officer Harris

I seriously despise the cops around here. They are plentiful in numbers as well as attitude. This week's golden cock award goes to State Trooper Harris for his non-people skills and pushy persona.

I was trying to be nice and get Dick's car inspected for him (yes, I'm capable of being nice). I was sitting in the mechanic's shop waiting patiently when my mechanic came rushing back inside. He looked at me funny and gestured to the window. I looked out, saw the cop, and was confused. I hadn't done anything.

The cop comes in and gets the mechanic. I see the two jacking the car up and looking all around. I knew something was going on, but had no idea what. The cop comes back and begins his tirade.

In his opinion, Dick's car is set up for street racing and doesn't belong on the street (which is utter bullshit). It should be kept on a race track (which it has never been nor ever will be). Apparently, this is how people get hurt (yes, dumb people) and because the car had no catalytic converter, he had to put a rejection sticker on it. I tried to explain to Officer Harris that it wasn't my car and he had the nerve to ask if I stole it.

Now I'm pissed and replied: Why yes, I stole a car, saw the inspection was out, decided to bring it back here and get that taken care of before I began my joyride. As for the catalytic converter, I decided to shove it up the owner's ass just before I sped off. Any more questions?

Of course, I ended up showing him my driver's license and the car's registration and was allowed to drive the reject back home. I award Officer Harris four golden cocks (it would have been five, but he didn't write me any tickets) for giving me a lecture on street racing even after I told him it wasn't my car and having the nerve to ask if I stole it. I also hope he shuts his masturbatory hand in his squad car as it's obvious he hasn't been laid in a while.