Exorcism In Mexico

The kids and I rarely go out for dinner, but after surviving a bout of the flu and now craving chimichangas, we decided to head to Mexico (the restaurant, not the country). We arrived, were seated, and began browsing the menu. Before I had even decided on an appetizer, some horrible noise caught my attention.

The sounds were awful. A high pitched squealing accompanied by a grunt that was reminiscent of the girl in the Exorcist movies. I glanced a few tables up and couldn't believe my eyes -- a five year old boy was standing at his booth and uttering the hideous tones to his mother as if he'd been possessed! I honestly was half expecting to see the boy's head began rotating 360 degrees like in the movie, but it never happened. The mother did absolutely nothing.

Our food was brought to us and as the kids and I were trying to catch up on the day's events, we realized it was going to be impossible with little Satan screaming. I figured it was time to perform an exorcism in Mexico.

I caught the boy's attention and with the meanest look on my face and fork in hand, I mouthed the words knock it off! It seemed to have a slight impact as he did finally sit down, but the audible noises still rang throughout the restaurant. Catching his attention again, this time with a face that would scare even the meanest MMA fighter and clutching both my fork and knife, I said I mean it! I then apologized to the couple beside us that had witnessed my pissiness.

Needless to say, the boy shut the hell up and the kids and I were able to have our dinner in peace. I learned my daughter has a crush on the boy on her bus and my son is kicking ass on all his math quizzes. Ah, life is good (and so were those chimichangas)!

10 Things We Should All Know

1. If you're constantly walking with your head down, everyone can see your bald spot.

2. If you can smell your socks through your shoes, those around you can too.

3. Rubbing the inside of your nose with your thumb is still considered picking your nose.

4. If the person you are talking to is constantly turning their head away, chances are good that your breath reeks.

5. Just because you're wearing clean underwear doesn't give you the right to drive like an asshole.

6. If you stop to tie your shoe, make sure your ass is out of the way of traffic.

7. It is possible to fall up the stairs so quit running.

8. When someone says "hold the elevator", they don't mean grab that little steel bar inside and watch the doors shut, they actually mean to hold the doors.

9. Plaque is not always an award, it's often the reason you should brush your teeth.

10. Your eyes won't get stuck by simply rolling them, but they may get poked out by doing so.

Rescue On Aisle Three

I absolutely despise Walmart. It is always crowded and full of idiotic people doing idiotic things. If it wasn’t for the fact that my coffee is more than half the price there than at the grocery store, I’d never step into one. But me without coffee is like Joan Rivers without Botox – not going to happen. Needless to say, I try to make each trip as quick as possible.

Yesterday was an exception.

I had already grabbed the coffee and was heading to check out when I heard someone fussing. Glancing around, I caught sight of a lady giving a young boy a piece of her mind. I tried to ignore them, but the bitch was too loud. She was apparently pissed that the boy had been staring at her tits. She went on and on about his lack of manners (among other shit). Noticing the boy’s embarrassment and the lady’s lack of clothing, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I walked over to them, gave the guy a quick wink, and grabbed his arm affectionately. I asked what seemed to be the problem. The bitch explained the situation. When she was done, I explained that “my man” was just being a man. If she didn’t want guys checking out her tits, she needed to cover them up in the future. I also informed her that she could benefit from a bra with better support as her girls didn’t seem as perky as they could be. I then pulled “my man” away and proceeded to check out. The guy was so grateful that he paid for my coffee.

See, I'm not a total manhater.