Be There In Thirty

As most of you are aware, my house is on the market. I had been keeping it spotless in case someone called ready to see it. It's been close to two weeks and no calls so I haven't been as worried about cleaning (it's been clean, just not spotless). I got a call from the Realtor this morning saying he wanted to show the house. I asked when and he replied in thirty minutes.

What the hell?

I hadn't showered yet, done my hair, straightened up from a card game the night before -- nothing! And now I only had thirty minutes to get it all done so a potential buyer who obviously doesn't give a rat's ass that I have a life and may need advanced warning could come tour my home.

Needless to say, I cleaned up the house as best I could and headed out the door (hair still not done). I ended up driving around looking like Bozo the Clown (yes, my hair looked that bad) and wishing I had some red and white face paint so I could finish the look. To make matters worse, I passed Dick (apparently heading to his parent's house) and I know he saw what I looked like and was probably thinking I looked like shit because I was missing him.

So this week's Golden Cock Award goes to my Realtor for being a jackass. He told me that advanced notice for all showings was guaranteed. He also said that he wouldn't allow anyone to just show up at the door (I guess that will be happening next). Although he did apologize for the inconvenience, I am still giving him two golden cocks, but if this shit happens again, he will definitely be scoring a five. Damnit!

Exorcism In Mexico

The kids and I rarely go out for dinner, but after surviving a bout of the flu and now craving chimichangas, we decided to head to Mexico (the restaurant, not the country). We arrived, were seated, and began browsing the menu. Before I had even decided on an appetizer, some horrible noise caught my attention.

The sounds were awful. A high pitched squealing accompanied by a grunt that was reminiscent of the girl in the Exorcist movies. I glanced a few tables up and couldn't believe my eyes -- a five year old boy was standing at his booth and uttering the hideous tones to his mother as if he'd been possessed! I honestly was half expecting to see the boy's head began rotating 360 degrees like in the movie, but it never happened. The mother did absolutely nothing.

Our food was brought to us and as the kids and I were trying to catch up on the day's events, we realized it was going to be impossible with little Satan screaming. I figured it was time to perform an exorcism in Mexico.

I caught the boy's attention and with the meanest look on my face and fork in hand, I mouthed the words knock it off! It seemed to have a slight impact as he did finally sit down, but the audible noises still rang throughout the restaurant. Catching his attention again, this time with a face that would scare even the meanest MMA fighter and clutching both my fork and knife, I said I mean it! I then apologized to the couple beside us that had witnessed my pissiness.

Needless to say, the boy shut the hell up and the kids and I were able to have our dinner in peace. I learned my daughter has a crush on the boy on her bus and my son is kicking ass on all his math quizzes. Ah, life is good (and so were those chimichangas)!

10 Things We Should All Know

1. If you're constantly walking with your head down, everyone can see your bald spot.

2. If you can smell your socks through your shoes, those around you can too.

3. Rubbing the inside of your nose with your thumb is still considered picking your nose.

4. If the person you are talking to is constantly turning their head away, chances are good that your breath reeks.

5. Just because you're wearing clean underwear doesn't give you the right to drive like an asshole.

6. If you stop to tie your shoe, make sure your ass is out of the way of traffic.

7. It is possible to fall up the stairs so quit running.

8. When someone says "hold the elevator", they don't mean grab that little steel bar inside and watch the doors shut, they actually mean to hold the doors.

9. Plaque is not always an award, it's often the reason you should brush your teeth.

10. Your eyes won't get stuck by simply rolling them, but they may get poked out by doing so.