Doing It The Old Way

I've always wondered about those women who marry men much, much older than themselves. I wondered what they could possibly get in return from a relationship that odd. I decided to find out for myself.

I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a man at least double my age (for those of you nosy enough, that would be a sixty year old gent). After sorting through two-thirds of the shit responses, I finally found him. We talked on the phone a few times and finally set up a date. I had no idea what to expect.

The old fart took me out to dinner. He talked constantly about the state of the world today and how shitty the economy was. There were references to taxes and healthcare and I think I dozed off shortly thereafter. At the end of the evening, he took me back home, kissed my cheek, and bid farewell.

Now, this is what I learned: These women are obviously not in it for the sex as this man had absolutely no intention of attempting to get in my pants. These women are not in it for the conversation and companionship as this man could ramble on and on to a point that made you want to slice your wrists.

My thoughts were confirmed -- these women are in it for the money. The old guy bought me the most expensive meal I've ever eaten out, I drank wine I couldn't even pronounce that also came with its own separate bill, and I rode in a car that would be fit for Obama himself.

If it wasn't for the fact that sex is a necessity with me, I would seriously entertain the thought of keeping Mr. Old Guy around, but alas, I'll leave him at the assisted living facility that I found him.

Where's The Woody?

I almost feel guilty about this week's Golden Cock Award (almost). If you've been watching the news or Sports Center, you've heard all about the Tiger Woods debacle. How, at first, he shrugged it off as if nothing serious had happened and now, he is apologizing for his "transgressions and sins."

What an ass! He can't even admit what he did? Well, let me tell you:

*This motherfucker got him a piece of ass and got caught. His wife then beat his ass, smashed his vehicles windows, and told him to get the fuck out. Now, he's worried about his image and endorsements and doesn't want to come out and say, "Yes, I couldn't keep my wood in my pants" so he's giving half-assed apologies and no explanation. (Yes, he has the right to keep his personal matters private, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it).

So five golden cocks for Mr. Woody...I mean Woods. Not only for cheating on your wife, but for being the biggest pussy on planet Earth for not admitting your faults. No one is perfect, but you Woods, you are worse than the dogshit I stepped in this morning (and this whole situation reeks just as bad). So take these cocks, hang them on your wall, and remember: The whole world is watching.

*This is purely speculation on my part, so don't sue me. I have no money anyway.

Miss Miley Satan Cyrus

What in the hell is this world coming to? How in the hell does my local channel interrupt my favorite show to inform me that Miley Cyrus’ tour bus had crashed? Sometimes I wonder if little Miss Cyrus is the antichrist. Seriously – think about it.

All her fans looked as if they were about to hang themselves with their Miley bed sheets until the news informed them that she was not even on the bus that crashed. They all let out a sigh of relief and threw out quotes like I don’t know what I’d do if something had happened to her and life would cease to exist without Hannah Montana.

For fuck’s sake – get a life!

Think about every time you walk into ANY store – you see her picture on everything. I cannot get through one whole aisle without having to utter an Oh god at the sight of the little brat. It won’t be long until you see this bitch’s mug on sanitary napkins and tampons with the slogan “Periods become smiley with Miley.”

This week’s golden cock award goes to Miley’s dad. I’m sure he has something to do with subjecting us all to her paraphernalia. Plus, every time I see him in an interview, I want to smack him back to next week – such an ignorant and arrogant fucker. So Mr. Cyrus, I award you four golden cocks and suggest you bitch slap yourself and your own daughter!