No Longer Secret

WWSD? Suzie would overlook the fact that her husband was hiding her Victoria's Secret catalogs in his garage.

The Boy had a project due for school and he needed a box to accomplish this task. Me, being the good little Suzie that I am, decided the best place to find one would be in the garage. I start going through the massive mound of boxes that have been collected since Dick started ordering parts for his new car. I had almost given up hope on finding an empty one when I picked up one that finally felt light. I took the top off and couldn't believe what I saw.

There in the box, stacked ever so neatly, were five issues of Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Now, I know I hadn't put them there and my kids never get the mail, so this had to be of Dick's doing. This would actually explain a lot. If you recall, we haven't been doing much lately, so the Vicki girls must be getting all the action.

Now I'm pissed! My blood has been boiling ever since and I spent half the evening figuring out how I should handle the situation. I think I've finally devised a plan. I am going to replace the catalogs with pictures of my ex-boyfriends. I will then put them in the box along with a mighty handsome dildo and a tube of lube. Oh, to see the look on his face when he makes the discovery! Priceless.

Ebb And Flo

WWSD? Suzie would overlook the fact that she's bloated and cramping and help her husband plant the garden.

Let me first start by saying that I didn't want a garden in no way, shape, or form. I knew what was going to happen. Dick and the kids would till the soil and plant the seeds. I would be the one spending the entire summer weeding and picking the fruits of their labor while they were out having a good ole time. I really wasn't feeling that idea at all.

So, you can imagine my dismay when I woke up this morning to not only a visit from my Aunt Flo, but my darling husband demanding that I help plant the garden.

As any good little Suzie would do I put on a smile, popped a few Tylenol, threw on some shorts, and got to work. I must say, it was rather satisfying to picture my husband's face as if it were the soil as I dug. There was something calming about chopping worms in half as I mixed in the fertilizer. But, by the time I was done, I didn't feel like doing a thing.

As always though, a good little Suzie’s work is never done. I must now wash the laundry and prepare something for dinner. I think I’ll throw a red shirt in with my load of whites and overcook my spaghetti noodles. Hopefully that will make me feel better.

Sexless in the City

WWSD? Suzie would only expect her husband to want her when he wants to.

See, this is the problem with marrying a man that is nine years older than you. You end up hitting your peak and he has already peaked. I try not to nag him about it (because that wouldn’t be very Suzie of me), but damn – a girl has needs too.

What gets my panties in a bunch (and not in a good way) is the fact that he only wants to do things when he wants to. He doesn’t care that I’m sitting over here drying up faster than the deserts of Sahara (too much info -- sorry). He doesn’t care that he hasn’t displayed affection in over a week. He doesn’t care that I’ve been sleeping on the couch because I’m afraid I’ll strangle him in my sleep. All he cares about it his own damn needs and as long as they are met, everyone else should be fine.

I bet he’d care if I ran off with the pool boy. I bet he’d care if the mail weren’t all that the carrier was delivering. I bet he’d get off his arse if he knew I was initiating a new rule: do me before I even think about doing you.

Hmm…perhaps I could kill two birds with one stone and make those exlax brownies Viagra and exlax brownies instead. Now there’s and idea -- must go get started right away.