Headache For Sale

WWSD? Suzie would learn to do the things herself.

I have no problem with simple household tasks like changing light bulbs and replacing air filters and can accomplish them with the same grace of an Olympic figure skater. Unfortunately, I am not so good with more extensive tasks -- like plumbing.

This morning, I awoke to the sound of rushing water. At first, I thought we were having another storm, but quickly realized the sound was coming from inside my home, not outside. I ran in the direction of the noise and quickly discovered Niagara Falls had been relocated to my downstairs bathroom. It seems the toilet (yes, there's been an awful lot of talk about toilets lately) had sprung a mind of its own and a huge leak to accompany it.

Having no idea what to do, I panicked. I grabbed every damn towel in the house and threw them on the floor to soak up some of the monstrous puddle. I then grabbed a few pots to place under the torrent stream that was steadily spewing. I attempted to fight the bloody battle for a good fifteen minutes before I realized I wasn't going to win. I finally called my father who informed me to get the flood to stop, all I had to do was simply twist the little thing located near the floor off. Seriously? That was it?

Needless to say, I am no longer enjoying the pains of living in this house alone. I was amused the first few days as to the amount of shit that can break around here, but now I'm just completely annoyed. This is entirely too much house for one person to manage. So I was quite happy when Dick informed me today that he will be putting it on the market next week. The only thing I am not looking forward to is packing -- it's a bitch!

And Suzie Replies

WWSD? Suzie would dismiss it as a wrong number (or email address).

I received my first piece of hatemail. I had a feeling this blog would stir up some shit, so I bought special boots for those occasions. I am now wearing them and am ready to wade my way on through:

Dear Miss Suzie

I for one, think you are a complete nutjob! Anyone who remains in such a relationship has to be missing a few marbles. I pity your children and truly believe you are a horrible mom. Anyone who plays tricks on their children needs to be put in the nuthouse. Your vulgar language speaks volumes about your character. Your actions show the real you. I can only pray that whatever you choose to do that your children are protected from your actions.

Signed
Just my two cents

***

Dear Just my two cents

I for one completely agree that I am a nutjob (all part of my charm). I remain in such a relationship because I took vows (I don't break my promises). A horrible mother does not get up at all hours of the night to fight off the boogie man, hold puking heads, and offer comfort after nightmares. Anyone who plays tricks on their children is human. My vulgar language does indeed speak volumes about my character and it says "I'm not to be fucked with." My actions show that I am real. I can only pray that by my actions, my children will grow up with the ability to handle even the harshest of situations.

Signed
Miss Suzie

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to clean these boots and put them back in their proper location -- up your ass.

Pissy Parenting

WWSD? Suzie would have cleaned up the mess and went on about her business.

One thing I hate about cleaning my own house is the simple fact that I have to do it. I'll admit, I tend to be a little OCD when it comes to the cleanliness of my home, but that's beside the point. The one chore I hate more than the sound of Rosie O'Donnell's voice is bathrooms. It doesn't matter how clean you get it, someone's eventually going to piss all over your hard work.

Yesterday, I had the bathrooms spic and span. I eventually go to use one and there is pee all over the seat. Being as my daughter and I sit to go and Dick isn't here, I knew it had to be my son. Now, I don't know why boys have such a hard time getting it in the toilet and not on it. Perhaps you guys should lean in a little closer.

I've had the conversation about this with him numerous times. I've explained how I dislike wiping piss up all the time and how I had better things to do (like degreasing the oven), yet he continues to let it fly in the bathroom.

So being the clever little Suzie that I am, I made a concoction of lemon kool-aid and water. I then proceeded to pour it over the toilet seat. I called my son in the bathroom and told him that it was his turn to clean up the mess. I handed him a sponge and cleaner and walked out of the room (trying not to laugh as he moaned about my inability to hit the seat). I must say, he did a fine job and may have found a new appreciation for what I have to do around here.

Needless to say, the bathroom remains clean. Now, if I could just find a way to get them to put their toys back after playing with them.