Backseat Drivers

We’ve all experienced it – the pain in the ass of having someone bitch and complain about your driving from the backseat of your own damn car. Nothing pisses me off more than having to pay attention to not only the road, but also what the dumbass behind me is saying. I hate being told what I’m doing wrong while driving. It annoys me more than running off the road while trying to text my therapist.

I have devised a plan to deter those who criticize my driving ability. As soon as I begin to hear the moaning and groaning, I will simply pull the car over, look the offender dead in the face, and say you have been warned -- another word and I'll give you something to bitch about. I will then continue my journey and if another word is uttered, I will turn the journey into the ride from hell.

I will speed. I will weave in and out of traffic. I will tailgate. I will fail to use my turn signal as I pass along the shoulder. I will use my brakes harshly. I will drive so bad that the offending party will never want to ride with my ass again. Problem solved.

Backseat drivers deserve to be under your car instead of in it.

Darling Little Dick Doll

I am so sick and tired of Dick and his fucking antics. The man said we are over, packed his shit, and left the kids and I, yet he insists on texting me every damn day and makes up excuses to come over. Now that the grass is dormant and doesn't need mowing and he has changed the oil in my car, I do not need him over here for anything (except maybe for sex, but technically, I could get that anywhere). Enough is enough!

I've tried telling him that he didn't need to text me at all and that he wasn't welcome back home, but it goes in one ear and right out the other. Remembering that he said all men are visual creatures, I knew I had to think of some other way to reach him. I had to show him exactly what the hell NO meant.

Rummaging around the house, I had a brilliant idea. Most of Dick's shit had been sold, dumped, or boxed up and put in storage. He did have a few pairs of socks left in his drawer. My creativeness took over and before I knew it, I had made myself a lovely Dick doll. I proceeded to shove a fork in its side and take a picture. I then sent it via text to Dick with the following message:

Leave me the fuck alone or your dick will resemble the doll in the pic. Now fuck off!

Needless to say, it has been rather peaceful ever since. I'm not sure how long it will last, but I will enjoy it while I can. Now if you'll excuse me, FedEx just arrived with my brand new meat cleaver.

Life -- In A Bowl

The funniest thing happened this morning as I sat down to eat my bowl of cereal. It's as if the sugar went straight to my head and sparked something inside of me. I began thinking about life and all that it consists of. I felt the wheels begin to turn as I experienced the "Ohs" of such a revelation: Life revolves around these Basic 4 traits:

The first being that of a Bran Flake. You start out slow and boring. Not knowing much about anything, you often fall for everything. Often referred to as a Froot Loop, you usually rely on Lucky Charms and horoscopes. You soon realize that you have to grow up and take control.

Once you've gained a little wisdom, you become a Corn Flake. You begin telling jokes and trying to be everyone's friend. You find yourself playing pranks and Trix in hopes of having people laugh with you, not at you. Once you realize that the Mini Swirlz of comedy will only take you so far, you begin to change again.

You suddenly morph into a Frosted Flake. You've had it with being the little guy on the totem pole and begin to ice over. You get your Kix from putting other's in their place. You've become the queen bee in your Honey Comb and expect others to take notice. It's only when you realize they aren't that you see the need to change yet again.

You finally reach the point where you see that you can go much further by being kind and sweet. It's then that you become a Chocolate Flake. With your daily smiles and Cheerios, you notice that others flock to you as if you were the world's Fruit n Fiber. At last, you find happiness and this Post is Complete.