The Bitch Is Back!

It is official -- I either need therapy in the worst way or I've become the ultimate bitchy man-hater. I'll let you decide:

I have a new hobby (no worries, I haven't given up the forking and burying of the poor deceased bodies of the ignorant). You see, I recently signed up for a dating service. After receiving some interest and a weekend of binge drinking to get my courage up, I decided to jump back into the dating pool. I didn't sign up to meet the love of my life, but to pass the time in a way in which I'm sure will send me straight to hell.

(Yes, this is what happens when a bitch gets bored.)

I begin by weeding out the potential good guys and stick with the clear-cut pieces of shit. We set up a date and the party is on! I begin as if I'm actually interested in what he has to say. I let him talk first to ensure I have a self-serving, so not deserving of any decent woman douchebag on my hands and then I kick him right in the balls (no, not literally). I point out all his flaws and all that his poor soul is lacking. I inform him of why he can't seem to find a good woman. I basically tell the tool he is worthless and send him crying back to mommy.

So far, I feel as if I'm succeeding in making it a little easier for the women out there. Sure, it may send me to hell, but the look on the guy's face is priceless and almost addictive. I'm sure I'll get bored with this new hobby at some point and find a new way to amuse myself, but for now, I'm just enjoying being a bitch.

Bag Lady Brawl

I know you’ve seen them – those women walking around with what looks like a damn suitcase draped over their shoulder as if they are on a backpacking journey from coast to coast. If you are anything like me, you’ve been hit several times while walking through the crowded malls by those same oversized bags. Can someone please tell me what in the hell is up with women and their huge purses?

What could you possibly carry that needed a bag that big? Maybe with it being around the holidays and the crime rates being up because of it, these women have packed their purses with bricks in order to ward off would-be attackers. One smash from their purse would send any robber running for the hills.

Perhaps my way of doing things has caught on and they have even upped the ante. Not only are they carrying forks in their purses, they are carrying a way to dispose of the body as well. Simply stab the fucker, stuff him in your bag, and drop the package into the nearest dumpster on your way out.

Or could it possibly be women today actually need that much shit to get through the day? I’m not sure the logic to carrying something so big and I doubt I ever will, but I do know this – if I’m ever hit by one again, I swear I will punch the lady in the face, shove her ass in the bag, and toss it in the restroom trash bin.

Damnit, I bruise easily and those bags hurt like hell!

U S of A-ssholes

Watching the news these days is pure torture. I’d rather be popping my man’s ass pimples than to sit and listen about how bad things are now and why things are the way they are. Everyone is pointing fingers to past presidents and placing the blame on anything and everything that could make an ounce of sense. No one seems to be getting the real picture.

It’s called karma, assholes.

Seriously, did you think we could just sail on over and rob people of the land they had been living without some sort of ass whipping? Do you think we could import innocent people on over to do the work we should have done without having to pay for it somehow? You really think we could have treated women as property and never have to hear about it again?

Doubtful.

I don’t care about past presidents and what they have done; this shit was bound to catch up with us sooner or later. You cannot do the idiotic things this country has done and expect no repercussion. So may I suggest you grab a hard hat, buckle your seatbelt, and enjoy the ride. It’ll be over – eventually.