Stalker On Aisle 1, 2, 3...

I really need to find a new grocery store. Not only are the old perves a constant nuisance, there now seems to be a stalker to deal with. The last several times I've went grocery shopping, this employee follows me up and down the aisles -- to the point my son even asks why is this guy following us? I'm not sure if he has some mental issues or if he is just a nutjob, but I couldn't take it yesterday.

As I rounded the third aisle, I realized the stalker was hot on my tail yet again. I finally said enough is enough and turned around. Staring at him like I wanted nothing more than to run him over repeatedly with my cart, I stood there -- waiting. He finally realized I wasn't going anywhere and tried to leave.

I followed him.

Everywhere he went, so did I. Giving him a taste of his own medicine, he finally realized what I was doing. He slowly headed to the back of the store and disappeared behind the doors with the sign that read employees only. Fuck that -- I went too. I continued to follow him until he finally turned around and said you're not supposed to be back here to which I replied:

"Oh really? And I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to be stalking the customers. You see those milk crates over there? If you ever follow me around this store again, I will personally stuff your crazy ass into one and put you in the cardboard baler. I will then flick the switch and giggle as the damn thing crushes your worthless little body. Have I made myself clear?"

The loon nodded and I walked back out, finished my shopping, and carried my ass home.
(Suzie +1 -- Stalker 0)

Bumper Stickers

For the Masturbating Male:

1. Vaseline -- made with my meat in mind.

2. Nobody does it like my hand and me.

3. Nothing's working like a jerking.

4. Men -- they take a beating and keep on leaking.

5. I take MJ's advice on a daily and just beat it.

6. Forget the dog, lotion's a man's best friend.

7. If you get caught with your hands in your pants, you're obviously doing it wrong.

8. Lotion -- the world's true meat marinade.

9. My palm is my pilot.

10. When in doubt, stroke it out.

(I'm off to get my head out the gutter, but feel free to throw yours in there and add your own bumper sticker saying)

Parenting With Pea Soup

We all know how I feel about pissy toilets. Well, it seems as if I have a new, even more disgusting problem on my hands. Apparently my daughter has forgotten how to flush after stinking up the bathroom. This was the second morning in a row that I go to open the bathroom windows upstairs and have been greeted with the stench of shit that has been marinating overnight. Needless to say, I've had it.

Searching for something, but not sure what, I found my answer in the pantry. Pea soup. I opened the can, poured some of the contents in the toilet, let some splash on the toilet seat, and smeared some on a piece of toilet paper that I let hang into the bowl by a thread. By the time I was done, it looked as if some very sick person had exploded in the bathroom.

Perfect.

I then grabbed a sponge and some cleaner and set it beside the mess. When my little princess gets home from school, she will realize how disgusting it is to have to clean that shit up. Hopefully, by the time she is finished, she will never forget to flush again. I'd hate to have to take it a step further and yes, I am evil, but they still call me mom.