Salvaged Solicitor

I hate solicitors (even more so than digging a garden during that time of month). Being as I live in the suburbs, I have to deal with my fair share. So when this guy shows up attempting to sell me an all-purpose cleaning product, I figured I’d have a little fun.

He went through his whole spiel of how great this product was. He showed me how well it cleaned concrete as he demonstrated on my walkway (I’ll admit that I was impressed as I had been trying to get that stain up for months). I asked if it cleaned rust and he said yes. I showed him the spot on my garage door and he wiped it away with ease. I asked him if it took care of lime stains and he told me yes. I led him inside and he cleaned my shower doors.

I finally told him that I was surely impressed, but needed to see more. I informed him that if I could use it as a laundry pre-treater, I’d be sold. He asks if I had some laundry to test it on and I handed him my son’s jeans (soiled from a football game the day before). He sprayed the cleaner, scrubbed a little, and showed me how well the product worked.

I then led him back outside, let him finish telling me why I should purchase his cleaner (especially now as they were running a buy one get one free promo), and simply offered this in return: Why should I buy your cleaner now? You’ve cleaned all the spots I had a problem with. I thanked him for his time, walked in, and shut the door behind me.

I’m guessing I’ll either never see him again or wake up to an egg covered house in the morning.

Women Will Lie About

1. Her age. The older a woman gets, the less she wants to admit how long she's been around.

2. Her weight. It really isn't important that we've gained a few pounds over the years, is it?

3. Her clothing size. Those things are just too damn confusing anyway so who could get it right?

4. Her number of lovers. One too many and you look sleazy and who knows exactly what one too many is?

5. Her phone number. Sometimes a simple no isn't enough for the persistent pest. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

6. Her true hair color. Like we're going to admit to having grays?

7. Orgasms. Sometimes it's just easier to fake it.

8. Her bra size. Feeling the pressure of the bigger the better.

9. Other women. Sure we say so and so is fat, but it's because we'd kill for her hair.

10. How much we spend. Wouldn't you feel guilty if you spent that much on a pair of shoes?

Backseat Drivers

We’ve all experienced it – the pain in the ass of having someone bitch and complain about your driving from the backseat of your own damn car. Nothing pisses me off more than having to pay attention to not only the road, but also what the dumbass behind me is saying. I hate being told what I’m doing wrong while driving. It annoys me more than running off the road while trying to text my therapist.

I have devised a plan to deter those who criticize my driving ability. As soon as I begin to hear the moaning and groaning, I will simply pull the car over, look the offender dead in the face, and say you have been warned -- another word and I'll give you something to bitch about. I will then continue my journey and if another word is uttered, I will turn the journey into the ride from hell.

I will speed. I will weave in and out of traffic. I will tailgate. I will fail to use my turn signal as I pass along the shoulder. I will use my brakes harshly. I will drive so bad that the offending party will never want to ride with my ass again. Problem solved.

Backseat drivers deserve to be under your car instead of in it.