Where's The Woody?

I almost feel guilty about this week's Golden Cock Award (almost). If you've been watching the news or Sports Center, you've heard all about the Tiger Woods debacle. How, at first, he shrugged it off as if nothing serious had happened and now, he is apologizing for his "transgressions and sins."

What an ass! He can't even admit what he did? Well, let me tell you:

*This motherfucker got him a piece of ass and got caught. His wife then beat his ass, smashed his vehicles windows, and told him to get the fuck out. Now, he's worried about his image and endorsements and doesn't want to come out and say, "Yes, I couldn't keep my wood in my pants" so he's giving half-assed apologies and no explanation. (Yes, he has the right to keep his personal matters private, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it).

So five golden cocks for Mr. Woody...I mean Woods. Not only for cheating on your wife, but for being the biggest pussy on planet Earth for not admitting your faults. No one is perfect, but you Woods, you are worse than the dogshit I stepped in this morning (and this whole situation reeks just as bad). So take these cocks, hang them on your wall, and remember: The whole world is watching.

*This is purely speculation on my part, so don't sue me. I have no money anyway.

Miss Miley Satan Cyrus

What in the hell is this world coming to? How in the hell does my local channel interrupt my favorite show to inform me that Miley Cyrus’ tour bus had crashed? Sometimes I wonder if little Miss Cyrus is the antichrist. Seriously – think about it.

All her fans looked as if they were about to hang themselves with their Miley bed sheets until the news informed them that she was not even on the bus that crashed. They all let out a sigh of relief and threw out quotes like I don’t know what I’d do if something had happened to her and life would cease to exist without Hannah Montana.

For fuck’s sake – get a life!

Think about every time you walk into ANY store – you see her picture on everything. I cannot get through one whole aisle without having to utter an Oh god at the sight of the little brat. It won’t be long until you see this bitch’s mug on sanitary napkins and tampons with the slogan “Periods become smiley with Miley.”

This week’s golden cock award goes to Miley’s dad. I’m sure he has something to do with subjecting us all to her paraphernalia. Plus, every time I see him in an interview, I want to smack him back to next week – such an ignorant and arrogant fucker. So Mr. Cyrus, I award you four golden cocks and suggest you bitch slap yourself and your own daughter!

Salvaged Solicitor

I hate solicitors (even more so than digging a garden during that time of month). Being as I live in the suburbs, I have to deal with my fair share. So when this guy shows up attempting to sell me an all-purpose cleaning product, I figured I’d have a little fun.

He went through his whole spiel of how great this product was. He showed me how well it cleaned concrete as he demonstrated on my walkway (I’ll admit that I was impressed as I had been trying to get that stain up for months). I asked if it cleaned rust and he said yes. I showed him the spot on my garage door and he wiped it away with ease. I asked him if it took care of lime stains and he told me yes. I led him inside and he cleaned my shower doors.

I finally told him that I was surely impressed, but needed to see more. I informed him that if I could use it as a laundry pre-treater, I’d be sold. He asks if I had some laundry to test it on and I handed him my son’s jeans (soiled from a football game the day before). He sprayed the cleaner, scrubbed a little, and showed me how well the product worked.

I then led him back outside, let him finish telling me why I should purchase his cleaner (especially now as they were running a buy one get one free promo), and simply offered this in return: Why should I buy your cleaner now? You’ve cleaned all the spots I had a problem with. I thanked him for his time, walked in, and shut the door behind me.

I’m guessing I’ll either never see him again or wake up to an egg covered house in the morning.