Welcome Back!

I know I haven't been around lately. I was scooped up by the proper authorities (Rachel Ray) and taught how to use kitchen utensils properly. I was then shipped off to an institution to learn how to deal with my anger issues. They thought they had fixed me and let me return home.

Kidding.

Shit has been busy around here. Spending much of my time with the kids over the summer and then getting ready for the start of a new school year, getting over the fact that Dick (my husband) has left again, and trying to find a job had consumed all my time here lately, but I'm back and bitchier than ever.

I'll be leaving Friday to watch my beloved Bengals cream my brother's Broncos in the season opening NFL game, but after that, I will make it a point to update this blog more frequently. All the dirt about my husband, neighbors, pervy men (and now women) will all be open for discussion. Thanks for keeping an eye on this blog and my apologies for abandoning it as long as I had.

My Faves

Here is a list of some of my favorite posts of all time. Enjoy!

Piss Me Off And You Can Call Me Bitch
This is how I dealt with the ass who hit my car in the parking lot of the grocery store.

Unwise Old Man
I had finally had enough of the old perves and thought milk would be a fitting surprise.

Let The Dead Horse Die
I had enough of Dick's beating a dead horse and this is how I handled it.

Pissy Parenting
After cleaning the toilets repeatedly, enough was enough!

Holy Moldy
Have a child who refuses to bathe? Here's how to cope.

She's A Maniac

It is official – I am in serious need of therapy. I am a mean and horrible person who continues to do mean and horrible things. I deserve to be thrown in a small room and suited with a straightjacket. Or not.

People piss me off and I can’t help but do something about it. Take for instance this weekend at the movies: All was well until two brats began to talk. They continued their conversation despite the shhh’s from others. I finally had enough and began throwing popcorn at them. I started throwing piece by piece and when that didn’t seem to work, I hurled a handful and successfully hit the back of their heads. It worked and they shut the hell up.

Then at the gas station, I was attempting to pump gas when I noticed a man staring me up and down. I asked if I could help him to which he responded why yes, yes you can. I then proceeded to grab the windshield washer wand thingie and walked over to his truck like I was going to clean his windows. As I approached the back glass, I noticed his truck was filthy. Perfect! I then scribbled these words on the filthy glass: I’m the world’s biggest dick. Wanna ride? He called me a few choice names, but didn’t look at me again.

Last but not least, my neighbor’s dog. This little dog jumps the fence several times a week. I’m am so fucking tired of having to toss his ass back over the fence. I tried to let him out (hoping he’d get lost), but he found his way back home. Yesterday, he did it again. After seeing him shit in my yard and knowing his owners are aware of the problem and were home at the time, but obviously didn’t care, I had enough. I threw the dog in the car, drove for several miles, and booted him out on the side of the road. Hopefully some nice family (far from where I live) will find him and keep him. Good riddance.

So yes, I’ll be checking myself in to the nearest mental facility, but only after I finish watching this documentary on serial killers.